Hour 4: Till Life

My best friend plays the organ

A sad and somber song

The crowd, all dressed in black,

Just trying to be strong

 

I straighten up my Windsor knot

And stare at my reflection

Try one last time to cover

Every little imperfection

 

I sneak a peak into the church

My freezing feet call me a fraud

The crowd begins to stand and cry

The Wedding March plays on

 

I close my eyes, take one deep breath,

And then I turn the corner

Slowly walking down the aisle

I pass by all the mourners

 

They didn’t want to be here

They didn’t want to come

They didn’t want to see us

Two becoming one

 

Me, in my suit and tie

Darkness as my bride

I’d say till death do us part

But I’ve already died inside

Hour 3: Time

Memories have always made my mind swerve in circles

As if they, themselves, can’t quite figure out which direction to go

Like taking a safari, if the guide were senile and possibly less than sober

 

To your left, you’ll see my great-grandmother cursing in Hungarian

as if her kitchen was a 5 story apartment complex engulfed in flames

and the nearest firefighter was 18 miles away

because someone had the nerve to imply she was cheating at Canasta.

We snapped this photo just in time. You can’t see me in the frame, but I can see me.

Standing behind the man holding our new fangled digital camera and, trust me,

I was laughing as hard as she was cursing

But she is gone now and this memory has turned from citrine to cerulean

 

And quick! To your right

It looks like we’re just in time to see the common night predator known as “that guy”

Now don’t be fooled by his looks,

this one’s dangerous,

whatever you do, don’t make direct eye contact

See how he grabs me by the arm

Watch as my resistance becomes a broken nose and two black eyes

But wait!

See my fists transform to fire forged fury

And this night of obsidian turns orange

 

And dead ahead, behind the bushes

Watch as our playful puppy grows into dying dog

This one

This one, I never could quite figure out

When they can no longer jump onto the bed

When their aching joints move like molasses

When dinnertime no longer brings a wagging tail

And they try not to yelp as they put one pained paw in front of the other

The vet tells you “it’s time”

“It’s kinder this way”, the doc will say

“Can’t you see, she’s in great pain?”

The family gathers round

Teary-eyed and torn

Wishing she could talk

Tell you what is wrong

Where is the pain, pup?

Show me where it hurts

But I promise you that

that would only make it so much worse

 

See, let me pose a problem with these progeny pups

If they could, indeed, say what they need

That pet would look a lot like me

Too close to human

A brand new breed

 

And they would tell us where the agony lies

And we would tell them it gets better

They’d say how much it hurts, this life.

And we’d convince them that they need to fight

And this would mean the devastation

Of the “dog is man’s best friend” equation

But this has been the way for eons

And something must be done

And so dog, always the bigger man, would choose to evolve

Into something that no longer speaks

Until the only sounds they knew to make

Were grunts and barks and growls and yelps

Because then we would relearn to help

Then, and only then, you see

We’d listen to what they had to say

 

If I learned to bark as she

Do you think they’d start listening to me?

If I used yelps instead of rhymes

Would the doctor finally say “it’s time?”

Hour Two: Dear Me

Dear Me, how does it feel to drink and know that it is legal now?

To walk into a bar and not be asked for your ID?

I imagine that’s the way it goes (not because I think you’re old,

But there were wrinkles on my face 3 years ago at seventeen)

 

I hope you’re not a train wreck

I hope you got divorced

I hope you’re not still on

This self-destructive course

 

Dear Me, I hope that you believe

In getting help, in therapy

In happiness, in fighting back

In life, in love, in wearing black

 

In cutting ties, in laughter

In happy ever after

In all the things you never thought

Would ever even matter

 

Dear Me, I hope you’re happy now

Despite all of the odds,

The house that you grew up in,

The shocking lack of gods

 

Despite who you call “mother”

Despite who you call “love”

Despite the lack of answers

To your prayers, from above

 

Dear Me, tell me a secret

Did you do it?  Did you die?

Did you find out where the darkness is?

Did you ever even try?

 

Did you tell them that you love them?

Were you honest?  Were you brave?

Did you forgive the monsters

That you said that you forgave?

 

Dear Me, if you are reading this,

How are you alive?

How’d you make it out this far?

How did you survive?

Tell me how you’re anything

But rotting flesh and bone

Did you get amnesia?

Forget the things we know?

 

Dear Me, I’m begging you

Can you hear me?  Do you care?

I guess it was too much

To hope you’re really there

 

Just one more person passing by

Two strangers in the night

At least, I hope that’s what you are by now:

Someone that I don’t recognize

Hour One: Catch

I am not dainty

I spend 5 minutes a month

Doing what I call my makeup

And my dresses don’t fit

So I mostly wear jeans and shit

 

I bite my nails to the nub

And I’m always burning my tongue

On words I’m told I shouldn’t say

A lady doesn’t speak that way

 

I’ve never been told I’m too feminine

More like vegetables floating in gelatin

I’m out of place in this generation

A near offensive combination

 

People don’t say that I’m elegant

Nor do they treat me as delicate

Though I really can’t blame them for skipping my station

Who wants to be guilty by association

 

I have bruises from hitting the coffee table

And you’d think I’d learn with it being so painful

But darling, quite frankly, to put it plainly

I’ve never been thought of as dainty

 

Not many would use the word “beautiful”

For the most part, it’s simply unsuitable

I’m not unattractive but, darling, the fact is

Letting my hair down is anticlimactic

 

I’ve got bags beneath my eyes

There are stretch marks on my thighs

And it’s true that I’ve got legs for days

In a lanky sort of way

 

I’ve never been told to try modeling

My smile is nothing near sparkling

And with my lack of poise and grace

I find I’m an acquired taste

 

Now, it may sound as if I hate me

But that is not the case

I just have a tendency

To lean into my strengths

 

And, trust me, I am truly great

At quite a number of different things

But if you asked the best, I’d say

Selling myself short is my forte

 

My friends all say that I’m a catch

Just yet to find the perfect match

They’re wrong, of course, although they’re kind

It’s not their fault their words are lies

 

I found my other half many years ago

I feel as if I’ve known them all my life

 

So save the date and count the days

The limo hearse is on the way

And be prepared to meet the apple of my eye

 

My other half, my soulmate:

This darkness that I feel inside

Intro

My name is Hilary Knutson. I am 30, autistic, and have been writing poetry for several years. Most of the stuff I write is pretty dark. One of my overall goals when I write is to help tear down the stigma attached to mental health conditions.

T-Minus 30 years & Counting

Fuck! I’m fucking tired of this world that we’ve been stuck in

I swear to all that’s holy that before the day I die

If I don’t see some worthwhile change

I’ll choose to end my darkened days

By marching to the capital and

Setting my own skin ablaze

Cause at this point, all I

Can say is fuck, Fuck

FuCk, goddamnit,

FUCK

The Moon Bridge

The first time that I read you, I was 7.

I thought it was just a book about two friends

because I didn’t know what racism was.

I want to go back to that feeling.

Not because I want to forget that racism

Is real…

 

But because it should not still exist today.

Euphoria

So you like a little light mixed with your deepest dark desires

Tell me more, my darling, for I only aim to please

Tell me all the ways you’d like this evening to transpire

Tell me all the ways to make you buckle at the knees

 

I’ll follow to the letter the instructions you so give

Commit to memory every pore upon your skin

And if you wish, my lover, I’ll spend hours of my time

Making each and every curve along your body into mine

 

I’ll be patient as the bee who’s turning nectar into gold

Awaiting every droplet till the honey starts to flow

As gentle as the river oh so slightly changing course

As the dam is ever rising down the bend and building force

 

Allowing you to bask within an ever climbing pressure

Appreciate the moment and bathing in your pleasure

I’ll lead you into waters as of yet remain unchartered

And make your deepest fantasies just a little darker

Please Do Not Perceive Me

I don’t fancy being perceived

As bottled femininity

So it threw me off my guard

When you ask me what I carry

An umbrella in summer Paris for

With not a cloud in sight

I pretend I felt a raindrop

Instead of saying it’s a parasol

Woodland Gnome Bisexual

If yesterday you’d asked me

What type of gay am I

I’d tell you in an instant

I’m a woodland cottage bi

 

I’d like to live out all my days

Foraging for mushrooms

To cook in all sorts of ways

After giving baby boops to

 

I’d wander through the forest

Pick some berries, double back

Hidden in the trees like

A ninja lumberjack

 

But honestly, I’d rather

You just throw the cottage out

Let me live beneath the trees

Until my days run out

 

A pillow and a mattress

Lying on the forest floor

The breeze as my alarm clock

The skyline as my door