The Poetry Marathon

7:43pm

20 years old

not even old enough to to buy alcohol

“The troubled words of a troubled mind I try to understand what is eating you.”

My teeth clanked against the glass

I held her glass castle in my hand

I lit my lighter

flames licked the Crystal ball

rolled the shaft in my fingers

the silver Crystals start to melt

I sucked her inside

holding her inside

slowly

Her vapor escape my lips.

white clouds filled the room.

one hit wonder

tingles in my toes

eyes closed

rolled back into my head.

Crystal…the best never ending, addictive, best orgasm

Until you come down

The cold water washed over my aching, sweating body.

It was July in Sacramento California, unforgiving heat.

The clock proudly read 7pm, the heat was starting to give

Beads of sweat started to form on my forehead,

I shut my eyes, and let my head sink under the water.

Darting thoughts that I couldn’t ignore assaulted me.

I miss her, but I missed her more.

Fauna had Crystal

Fauna was with another woman making her writhe and moan

Feeling each other, feeling Crystal inside of them.

And I was alone, in a bathtub,

Trying to forget Crystal.

The elation and euphoria

I held my breath as long as I could

My chest burned

And I screamed

I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror

Shadows cast dark circles under my sunken eyes that have been open for far too long

The soothing sound of Thom Yorke “I keep falling over, I keep passing out when I see a face like you”

The running water from the bathtub eased my anxiety

I peeled my clothes off

My cotton t-shirt stuck to my sweat soaked skin

My jeans grabbed on to me as I tried to pull them off

The cold tile on the bathroom floor was only a slight refrain from the heat that was leaking from my body

I could get through this,

I could do this.

I submerged my body into the icy cold water, as my body slid against the side of the tub.

If I could just hold out a little while longer, then I would be through the worst of it.

I wanted more than anything for my body to stop craving her. I didn’t want to be with her anymore

I didn’t want to need her.

I’ve wasted so many hours addicted to her.

The night would fade into the day and the day would fade into the night and as long as I had Crystal, that’s all I needed.

This was going to be the end, I swore to myself.

I was so never wrong in my life

With my heart tucked into my pocket I flew into the massive city of San Francisco where petrified giants and delicious cacophony consumed me

In that city I met beautiful women, with delicious skin, blonde hair,and blue eyes that pierced my soul

When I wasn’t falling over the street curbs and cracks in the sidewalks, I was falling in love with every single woman that smiled at me

I learned that fear will get me nowhere and the simple art of raising my middle finger to someone or an idea or an object, makes me not so fearful anymore.

I learned that not everyone is going to like me

I learned that not everyone is impressed with my obnoxious personality, even though they should be

I learned how to listen to my voice, and relearned that my voice is one of the strongest parts of me

I learned that I am not a phase, not something I will get over

I learned how to sit in silence, with myself

I learned how to be okay, with me

I am self taught

31 years ago I grew in your womb

30 years ago I was born

And I wonder if you looked at me in complete awe, knowing that for 9 months we were connected, we shared a body, that kind of bond should last a life time

15 years ago we stood in front of a mirror, your words sliced through me

“why cant you be pretty like your sister”

and in that instant, I shattered.

12 years ago, I left your broken nest and flew across the country

My wings barely worked, but they carried me away from you

They carried me away from the..

“why cant you be pretty like your sister”

“you need to stop gaining weight”

“walk 20 feet behind me so no one knows you are with me”

“you were so pretty before you cut your hair”

10 years ago I was free

3,000 miles away your words still hurt

8 years ago I peed on a stick, a plus sign stared right at me

I was now growing someone, we shared a body

and when she was born

I was in awe

7 years ago I held her in my arms and told her how beautiful she was

6 years ago I held her in my arms and told her how beautiful she was

5 years ago I held her in my arms and told her how beautiful she was

4 years ago I held her in my arms and told her how beautiful she was

3 years ago I held her in my arms and told her how beautiful she was

2 years ago I held her in my arms and told her how beautiful she was

1 year ago I held her in my arms and told her how beautiful she was

5 days ago, I held her in my arms and told her how beautiful she is.

“why do you always tell me how beautiful I am” she asks

I smile and say because I never want you to go a moment in your life not feeling beautiful

She took my hands in her face and said “mommy you are beautiful”

and in that instant

those pieces that were shattered

glued themselves back together

A hummingbird flaps its wings up to 70 times per second

Which is how fast my heart beats when you look at me

And I cant find the perfect words to say

So I just look at you, and smile and wonder if your heart is beating as fast as mine

They say when you hear someones heart beat, your heat syncs to their beat

I wonder how many times, when you were on top of me

When we were a tangled sweaty mess, our heart beats became one

Two hearts beating, 140 times a second

Baby we could power small cities

Small cities filled with jealous lonely hearts wishing they could beat as fast as ours

The moon is high in the sky, it is shining through the cracks in the broken blinds, illuminating your face

and in this light

you are the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on

I want to drink the moonlight as it slithers across your naked body, waving through your curves

In that moment I can see your skin glowing

my finger tips slides up and down your spine, your body shivers and quivers under my touch

soft breaths escape your lips, lips that I wouldn’t mind tasting for the rest of my life

I captured this memory,I folded it up and keep it in my back pocket of my jeans that you could never wait to take off of me

Now I lay in that same bed, where we made love, where we laughed and where we cried.

But now,

I am laying alone

The familiar sounds of sorrow

Seeps down windowpanes

Trickling teardrop kisses

Splash on the pavement below

I can always smell the alcohol hangover on people…

Including myself.

It’s sweet, pungent, sweaty, and I’m so very averse to it.

I don’t understand habitual hangovers much either.

Which is why I stopped drinking.