Random thoughts–2am

This feeling won’t stop
keeps coming back-
How can I fight it?
I don’t have any support

I don’t get it-
I was told so many
different things

Don’t think about it
ignore it
give it to God
and you’ll be fine

It’s all in your head
you’re crazy
attention Seeker
weirdo
How can I compete with that?

I want to reach out
but I don’t
being called an attention seeker
is far worse

And cause for silence

I swore an oath
made a promise
that I was done
what else was there?

When did my word become
far greater than God’s power
and love?

When did these
feelings become
less important than
the status quo?

SSHH
Conform
be quiet
don’t make trouble
single file like
obedient soldiers

I can’t talk about this
at all –
to anyone-
They’d be so disappointed
so angry

So I sit here
Alone, afraid
in the dark
fearful of every sound

Crawling out of my skin
wondering what’s going to happen
who’s going to come for me
It’s a horrible disaster

No one cares
no one knows
I’ve gotten good at hiding
Not saying a word

I’ve gotten so good at
this facade–just so
no one sees how truly
raw and broken I am

Why would anyone care?
everything’s going ok
in their world
they don’t really care
about anyone else

 

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