I wanted to die
I was so miserable
yet I was victorious
all I did was lay in bed

There were days
I lived in filth
dirty dishes
no where to sit
rotted food
trash

I couldn’t clean
I didn’t want to
I had no energy
to move my head
let alone my hands

I could be bothered
I didn’t see the problem
the filth-
I was blind to it all

I cried when I finally
saw the filth I’d been living
with

But I didn’t know
where to actually start
The mess was oh so overwhelming

There goes the rotted food
the dish in the sink
so tired
so tired

The smell
Oh God
the smell
Greasy hair
EEWW!!-
I think this
shirt is matted to my skin

I have a couch cushion now
Comfy
soft
That fuzzy blanket

The laundry is rioting again
on the chair
in the tub
on the floor and
under my butt

Sticky floors
a cleaned corner
of the counter
that wrapper can go
into the trash

What is that stain on my skin?
It looks like I’ve been rolling
around in the dirt

But the thought of a shower-
Too traumatizing now

Two hours later
and I’m still on the floor
towel clutched around
my naked body
I can’t do it

I’m so scared
I am fighting my own
head-
and what it’s telling me to do

I just want to breathe
Just breathe
Once
Twice
slow
slow

This shampoo
smells good
feels good in my hair

Maybe it’s ok to get clean
smell better-
maybe it’s ok

I smell better
clean clothes on
maybe grocery shopping

That means going outside
exercise
fresh air-

Am I ready for this?