Dear [current employer]–

 

You have been so near and dear to my heart. With you in my life, I have had the opportunity to achieve my promise and life’s work of saving [quantity] of the [insert special interest] in [geographical data]. All the while, flaunting posed diverse collateral of [client type] in  

 

This has truly been the work of providence. I will be forever changed by your ability to slip from my grasp the concepts of self-care and mental wellness. Thank you for indoctrinating me with your shining models of charity and martyrdom. 

 

This season, can you return the life energy I invested in this machine? 

 

And, if that is not within your means: give me money. As much as you can. Right now.

 

Signed,

 

[Former employee]

 

P.S. – Quit your job, then get this tattooed on your body as a reminder.