I want you to understand 

that my calculated dances

of pleasantry and avoidance

are part of my survival

 

Yes, I want to play and laugh

but not here because someone

with a burning hatred in their heart

might mistake my smile for bared teeth

 

No, I do not always have it in me to care

when the air is sucked out of the room 

and there is none left for me to breathe

so I can speak as the protagonist for once

 

I want to heal–to forgive and forget

without tearing of parts of myself

crumpling them between my own hands

and throwing them in the river

 

More than anything I want to move on

and find a way to ground into this place

and I want to know beyond all doubt 

that while I walk this earth my black life matters