Was he abusive?

No
Yes
Not exactly
It’s complicated

Did he ever hit you?

He threw me into a wall once
I was on his back, grappling for keys
To keep him from going back to the bar

He twisted my fingers so hard to get them out of my hand
That I felt the bones protest,
And feared they would break

Did you ever hit him?

Oh yes
Frequently

He would drink and I would cry
He would take my car
And I would walk to find him
Drag him from smoke filled rooms
Feel pitying eyes on me
Feel judging eyes on me
Feel annoyance at my presence

There she is again,
Dragging her drunk boyfriend home

I’d take him home and he would cry at me,
And scream at me
And I would slap him
Hard
For the simple pleasure of trying to hurt him
Hurt him like he hurt me

Only I couldn’t hurt him like he hurt me
Because the only hurt I could give was physical
And the hurt he gave was so deep
It left scars that are never going to heal
In places no one can see but me

There’s a chasm in the center of my chest
That opens up whenever he crosses my mind
And though it’s been years
I can still feel myself tumble into it
That sickening feeling of falling
Just for a moment or two

Why didn’t you leave?

I don’t know
I never knew
Every time was the last time
Every day was a chance to start fresh
Every promise, a chance to believe

He needed me
He would die without me
He wanted to be better
And I wanted to believe him when he told me so

And still don’t know why

And I had nowhere else to go

I hated him with the whole of my heart
Every ounce of my soul
I prayed for a car crash
Alcohol poisoning
Bar fight gone wrong

I wanted his death
And sometimes my own

Just to be free

How did you get out?

You know…
To this very day…
I’m still not sure that I did…