14. “Dear Former Self”

You are more than who they said you would be.

You drove in cars to the family reunion

Trying to reconnect with a family that would leave you in a far off summer dream.


Dreaming of roses and rhubarb corn and kohlrabi

Not forgetting tales of white-tailed deer in the far off fields.


One day you’d swim in a pool.

A pool of self doubt.


You never needed to fit in.

You never thought you were not enough.

For who …


You listened to your grandmother,

as she recollected that “She takes everything so literally.”

She was not even referring to you.

And somehow you became that side bar conversation.


When your mother thought she was a “rolling stone”,

you took it literally and fell into a mindset that went against everything you were taught.

Your mother taught you to love yourself, to know thyself, and to respect life in all its complexity.


So why did you hold on to the negativity?

You never say never, yet now you are saying it now.

Never did you need their approval.


They were in the background.

Your father’s sister hid your family picture on your grandmother’s deathbed.

The others the distant relatives you once knew were kind, yet the ones that were the closest  wished that you would fall behind.


But you could never fall because you were born from Grace and your life would be filled

With love and loss and you would rise again from a broken heart.

Family as you knew it would never be the same.


You would learn that family is only a small part of your lineage and your line, but you must find a way to love despite the deep seated pain.

And so I did.

All rights reserved copyright (c) 2019 Natasha Vanover

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