Hour 20: Beginning of a story I will one day write

Sheets of night rain slap steadily

against the windows,

obscuring my father’s vision,

making a cozy cave for my sister and me

in the back seat.


The headlights of our Buick

Illuminate the rain

barely shedding light on the lines

That carry us to journey’s end.


The occasional car

passing in the lane going north

gives off sporadic blurs of brightness

keeping steady rhythm with the miles,

keeping us in the dark.


We didn’t have to ask to know

we should have been there by now.

11 thoughts on “Hour 20: Beginning of a story I will one day write

  1. A sense of claustrophobia – perhaps coming from my reading of this childhood experience as an adult. A sense of comfort, though; of being sheltered and hidden – even from the headlights of approaching cars. Your words are carefully crafted and your images pull me into this scene that is all shadows and the barely seen. Truly atmospheric.

  2. This leaves me wondering what’s going on? If that’s the intent, great job!! The “cozy cave” in the back seat seems to not match you being “left in the dark.” Sounds kind of creepy like dad doesn’t have the best of intentions, especially with those last two lines.

    1. This is the beginning of a story, setting the scene and making readers wonder what will happen next. “Cozy” was meant to convey the sense of safety inside the car while at the same time, there is uncertainty “left in the dark” created by the night and the rain and what lies outside of this comfort. Would you like to see the story that grew from this opening?

  3. I want to know what happened next! For me, this felt more like the father trying to not scare the children by letting them know he is lost. I would really like to know the story that came out of this. 🙂

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