{"id":137119,"date":"2023-09-02T20:55:39","date_gmt":"2023-09-03T00:55:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thepoetrymarathon.com\/blog\/?p=137119"},"modified":"2023-09-02T20:57:41","modified_gmt":"2023-09-03T00:57:41","slug":"i-surrender-all","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thepoetrymarathon.com\/blog\/2023\/09\/i-surrender-all\/","title":{"rendered":"I Surrender All"},"content":{"rendered":"

When the pastor prayed over me in front of the church
\nand kept repeating let it go,<\/em>
\nI was thoroughly confused.
\nAnd when a mother of the church corrected me saying,
\n\u201cWhen the Lord wants you to let something go, you let it go!\u201d \u2013
\nit became obvious that I had no concept of what letting go<\/em> meant.
\nI told her that if I knew what I was holding, it would be easier to release it.
\nEveryone seemed to see what I was holding except me.<\/p>\n

No more instruction came.<\/p>\n

Surrender, like freedom or love, is natural for some people.
\nNone of those things are natural to me.
\nSurrender is a foreign concept
\nbecause I\u2019m a natural holder.
\nAt any given time I am holding
\nKeys, a phone, a pen, a pencil.
\nI\u2019m holding it together.
\nI\u2019m holding your attention.
\nI\u2019m always holding something.
\nI check my hands when checking out in a store
\nbecause holding things is so natural to me
\nthat I don\u2019t realize when something is there that shouldn\u2019t be.<\/p>\n

I hold tightness in my back, shoulders, neck, and legs.
\nhold thoughts in my head because I don\u2019t want to be misunderstood.
\nhold desires because I don\u2019t want to speak them and be made to feel ashamed.
\nhold anger because I don\u2019t want to confirm any stereotypes.
\nhold sadness because I don\u2019t want to appear weak.
\nhold accomplishments because I don\u2019t want to be seen as proud.
\nhold happiness because I don\u2019t want to be viewed as a green.
\nhave to pay attention to everything that I am.<\/p>\n

It gets expensive, but I lie and say that
\nI save so much energy when I hold myself in.
\nBut I become bankrupt of human experiences because it is impossible
\nto be both free and held.
\nAnd that\u2019s the part: I don\u2019t totally trust the Holder to actually keep me.
\nI don\u2019t trust zero gravity, so I
\nhold on.
\nBut this ferocious holding has almost killed me.<\/p>\n

The trip to the emergency room helped me begin to understand that
\nknowing when to give up, give over, and give back
\nis a survival skill.
\nEmpty hands
\nOpen heart
\nFree falling<\/p>\n

\u201cFor in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.\u201d – Colossians 1:16-17<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When the pastor prayed over me in front of the church and kept repeating let it go, I was thoroughly confused. And when a mother of the church corrected me saying, \u201cWhen the Lord wants you to let something go, you let it go!\u201d \u2013…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4411,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-137119","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-half-marathon-poem"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thepoetrymarathon.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/137119","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thepoetrymarathon.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thepoetrymarathon.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thepoetrymarathon.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4411"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thepoetrymarathon.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=137119"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/thepoetrymarathon.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/137119\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":137211,"href":"https:\/\/thepoetrymarathon.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/137119\/revisions\/137211"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thepoetrymarathon.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=137119"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thepoetrymarathon.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=137119"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thepoetrymarathon.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=137119"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}