Dear Dawn (2019 Poem 18)

Why have you arrived at this late hour
Did you hit the snooze on your alarm too many times
I’ve been working since you went to bed
We have much to do, nothing else need be said

I’ve finally realized I have the power
Now is the time to bring to life our vision board
We’ve wasted time on hopes and dreams
Turns out none of it was what it seems

2 thoughts on “Dear Dawn (2019 Poem 18)

  1. There’s something in this I like. It’s got a cheeky tone or something. Asking dawn if she hit the snooze button 👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾

    But it needs a bit of tweaking. For example

    In this line:
    I’ve finally realized I have the power

    You’re basically saying “I have finally realised I have the power.” The double I have is redundant. Could easily start “Finally realised …” tightens line, amplifies meaning. Helps scansion.

    Turns out none of it was what it seems

    “None of it” could be replaced by “nothing” … lose a syllable, lose repetition of it/it, & nothing is a stronger word. Win win win.

    Every line could be tightened without losing sense — in fact actually enhancing it.

    You say “have” six times which is a lot in such a short poem. Could probably get away with only needing two; 1 per verse.

    Finally, look at your rhyme scheme. With just a tweak of either/both second lines you’ll have a nice (if uncommon) rhyme pattern of:

    Hope this helps.

    1. Oh gosh, thank you so much for all of your comments, they are invaluable! I will revisit this with al of that in mind for sure.

      Yes I did want to go for the rhyming scheme you mention but couldn’t quite get there at that hour so I moved on.

      I’d hoped to find two worthy of submitting to the anthology, with edits of course, though on reflection I’m not sure.

      Again, thank you very much!

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