Once upon a time there was a young woman named Cinderella

Who cleaned and danced at a ball and married her prince

who became a king and she a queen and all that.

Okay, maybe I’m just an old woman named Cindy

I already knew my prince and married him outright.

I clean the house and tends to Prince Duke (the cat),

who is as demanding as any royalty.

Once upon a time there was Sleeping Beauty

She ate a bite of a poisoned apple and slept for a hundred years.

Oh, I wish. I could use the rest. Truly. Where can I get that apple?

Anyone? Anyone?

Then there Rapunzel

who lived in a high tower, a prisoner.

She let down her hair so her handsome prince would

climb to her and rescue her.

Wait a damn minute.

Do you know how hard it would be

to keep hair that long tended to?

And when the prince climbed it, can we say ouch?

Was she bald when he reached the top?

Her hair pulled out in a big clump on the floor?

No thank you.

I prefer my hair short and unpulled.

He can get himself a ladder or a hang glider if he really wants to play hero.

Once upon a time there was Little Red Riding Hood.

Seriously did anyone get her eyes checked?

She couldn’t tell her grandmother from a wolf?

Did she ever see a picture of Grandma? Every meet her before?

Her mother is just going to send a stupid little girl into the woods alone?

What kind of parents did she have?

And good old Hansel and Gretel. I am truly on the witch’s side.

See what happens if you try to eat my gingerbread house.

Boundaries people. Boundaries.

Snow White and those Seven Dwarfs,

okay, well having seven guys worship me would be nice,

even if they were short.

But I am not cleaning up after them.

Grumpy needs to chill. Dopey needs some education.

Get Sneezy an allergy tablet already. Didn’t anyone hear of Flonase?

 

No, my life is not a fairy tale, far from it.

I do have the handsome prince

and the royal cat son.

I live in an apartment above the garage

that no self-respecting woodland creature

would ever want to clean.

Fairy tales are suited for others perhaps

Just not for me.

Is that apple some sort of special melatonin?