24 – Morning

Morning. My hands are cramped around this pen. My eyes are blurred and weary. I am tired and achy, but changed.

Dad came, Giraffe is here. I poured it all out. Thank you, Ernest. You taught me that… to pour it out, to leave nothing off the page, to leave no blood for the heart.

I did that.

I screamed. I cried. I sobbed. I had silent conversations with my mother. I had louder silent conversations with my daughter.

I grieved.

…and Cameron stayed with me through the whole journey, checking, and rechecking me, bringing water,  snacks, and tissues, rubbing my hands and wrists and fingers. He is my constant. He always will be.

Morning, and I am huddled with my core at Our Fire. I am safe, and I am loved. I will Run Along the Ecliptic, and call the night, to end this very, very long day.

22 – A Long Awaited Visit from Giraffe

Oh! What a beautiful surprise! Up all day and night, writing poems, feeling, processing, pouring, and from behind without a sound, Giraffe covers me, over my head, long out in front of me…. so unexpectedly.

“I have been here for fourteen months. Did you not know where to find me?” I asked him, burying my face into the comfort of his hollow.

“No, e. You forgot how  to find us, how to find you way back to us, how to see Our Fire. We waited and watched for you, Fox through The Sage, Elephant at The Door to the Room of Paintings, Chief in the half light of our glow, with The Dogs, and I, on The Rock Above Our Cave. Some Fish Who Have Decided to Stay jumped and squealed for you from The Shoreline, and also in The Channel, but your heart has been too broken to hear us, and your eyes blinded from fear. We waited so long, and you didn’t come, so we have come for you. We have come to take you home, to sleep a year’s worth of rest, and wake to stand on The Great Wall, to find your own voice again, snd Pearl into The Great White Wall of Nothingness. It is time to come home, to warm yourself, to thank The Fishes, to coo with Fox, and pour the last of this time out into The Sage, with Chief, Elephant, and The Dogs. It is time for you to finish Running Along The Ecliptic.

Come with me before the sun rises. You have never allowed yourself to be a child with us, never let us take care of you. Come. It is time now…”

20 – Crow Secrets

Crows whispering in my ear, “Please don’t forget us when you go home… and don’t forget the trains out there in Wyoming. Remember how you loved the trains coming through every day, and the snow. Try to remember the snow, and our silhouettes across the fields.

We have cousins there where you call home, Jimmy, Jake, and Lilly. Try to go to the sanctuary up country to visit them. They will remember you. We crows know family, even if we haven’t met in person.

Please don’t forget us when you go home to Maui. Please come back this way soon. Wear the yellow ribbon, and that shiny, tinkling bobble we all love.

We’ll keep our eye out for you. Please, don’t be too long.”

19 – A Letter to Dad About Mom

The part of her that was your lover has nearly dissipated. The part of her that you could calm with a smile  or a wink, her sweetheart part, she buried along with you three years ago. She is raw and untamed, unflinchingly callous. She is bitter that she isn’t with you yet, and fearful that her god will let her down, and you won’t be hers when she gets there. This is where she should be though, angry, deeply,  roughly angry. Her pain is palpable, and her grief is sharp, and takes prisoners.

I hope it is just a phase in her grief, not simply a part of who she was before your love softened her heart, and made her the woman I knew before you left us. I hope it is. But, if is isn’t, maybe you could come over sometime, and out your arms around her while she sleeps in her chair next to yours, and remind her the she will always be your love, and that you will wait for her forever?

18 – Another Letter to Dad

Dad, if you were still here, you would die all over again. Your body would implode, like mine is trying to do. It would simply crack apart, like mine is trying to do. We are so much alike, unable to turn on others to ease our  tragicnesses, unwilling to tear someone else’s hair out to sop up the blood pouring from our gapings.

You told me in that dream, we are not like them. I thought I understood what you meant, but now I really know. You and I  are not like them. We do not attack others to make ourselves forget that we are being carried away by wolves who wholly intend to rip us apart, and feed us to their own. We do mpt become the wolves to try and forget the smell of blood in the air is our own, our childrens’, our grandchildrens’, our great grandchildrens’.

I am trying, Dad. I tried, but they are all gone now. There was a gun. There were two shots. They are all gone now.

I wish you were still here.

I’m so glad you aren’t.

17 – An Ugly Freeform Sextet Haiku of a Senseless, Needless, Hopelessness

You left the gun down. He picked it up and shot her. Now, they are all gone.

You left the gun down. He picked it up and shot her. They’re changing his name.

You left the gun down! YOU LEFT THE FUCKING GUN DOWN! YOU left the gun down! YOU!!!

You left the gun down. He shot her tiny pink face with four year old hands.

Now, they are all gone, because you left the gun down, and he picked it up.

You left the gun down. We’ll never see them again. You left the gun down.

16 – A Freeform Haiku Quintet on Terror

Look what you have done. No animal would do this, only a human.

Torturing children, dragging them from their families, leaving them to die.

You justify it all in the name of your god… so superior.

Babies in cages. You have become so human, you are inhumane.

You have gone too far. I swear on all you love, your god is ashamed.

15 – Hardly a Poem

I have no eloquence left. All of the poetry in me has drained out. I am simply screamingrage, bleeding, unanswerable questions…

How could this have happened?!

How did you not play this out in your head for lifetimes before allowing this to happen?!

How could you not be more mindful?!

How could they be gone?!

How could you let this happen?!

How could you not know it was down?!

How did you not know it was loaded?!!!

How can they be gone…?

How can I ever hear your voice again without the crack in my head splitting wider… without this new crazy swallowing me?

How do I begin to forgive you?

How do I begin to want to…?

 

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