yes.
it is a sickness to leave no holes in walls.

a note:
leaving holes in the shape of fists
is a related separate sickness;
perhaps they will be cross-referenced in the next DSM.

when you yell
and it breaks nothing or not enough
or you worry
your fist will hit something more human than drywall
those holes too say:
Here Is a Person Who Does Not Know How To Touch The World

i have only always lived in:
a perpetual state of financial insecurity;
perpetual fear of losing my security deposit;
not many square feet to start with and
an ever-narrowing window of time before the lease runs out.

i fear and wonder that
i may never live
in a home
i own. by which i mean:

i may indeed do and sign the deed.
i may be queen of all that i surveil.
i may have a room of my own
and a fenced backyard,
a built-in washer-dryer,
(or more likely a dilapidated porch
and burnt grass
and a laundromat around the corner)

i fear and wonder that
i may never live
in a home
i own. by which i mean:

i cannot use command strips and tacs
to hang my grandmother’s mirror,
or floating shelves to display her perfume bottle
and a porcelain unicorn i was given at age 8
and a puck thrown to me by my favorite player.

i would have to.
leave holes.
in the walls.

by which i mean. i mean. i mean to say.

i have bought drywall anchors and a stud finder
and yet have hung no heavy pictures.
i have my painters tape and tarps galore
and yet have painted no walls.
because

to make this space my own
i will have to

i will have to

i will have to hammer a nail,
screw into drywall (anchors: purchased),
i will have to think:

this is my home
where i will live
that i can damage.
that i am damaging
in order to make it mine

yes.
it is my sickness to leave no holes in walls