Eighth Hour

If you play with fire

eventually you’ll

get burned

isn’t this the way

it always is


I never thought anything

was supposed to get to me.

I thought I was




thick skinned


one day

43 minutes

Not so sure I

can make it


But you did this to me

made me feel






You did this to me

hurt me

pushed me down

Made me feel

like I couldn’t do

anything right


two days

1 hour

20 minutes

how long since


I want to ask you

notice me

see what I’m doing

to make you happy

not me

I don’t matter


I am not perfect

and I’m not the ldeal

I can’t help it

I can’t be what you

want me to be


three days

8 hours

little by little

I’m doing it

Are you proud


I’m tired of trying to conform

to what

you want

you think

you wish

you hope

I would be


It’s not

going to happen

I have my own mind

but you still try to

push it


nitpick a little more

why don’t you

find something else

wrong with

my attitide

my language

my choices



four days

14 hours

56 minutes



Everytime I do it

I feel like a failure

like Im disgusting

like I’m unworthy

to even be seen


I can’t do it anymore

I can’t make bad choices

can’t spend my life trying

to please you

It only brings me down


what I know now

is you may only have

my best interests at heart

but you pick the wrong way

to go about it


Am I different

Do I look better

Are you pleased yet

Can I stop this ridiculous



the clock’s ticking

time is going by

but you still

don’t see it

call me a drama queen


Five days

13 hours

the constant

craving’s still there

not as strong though


I can’t be what everyone else

wants me to be

It’s not right

It’s not going to happen


I know you want me to

have everything

that I could ever want

And I appreciate that

but it doesn’t change facts


You aren’t good for me

you claim to love me

but yet you hurt me this



six days

1 minute

I’ve reached it

my breaking point


I’m crawling along

on the floor

on my hands

my knees



You broke me


Made me not

want it anymore


Take a second

just to breathe


Don’t want it anymore



damn you

I get over one addiction

Just to get fucked with

another one


Seven Days

I’m done

no more cravings

if they come up

I just ignore



Soon I won’t

be able to fight off


not a cold

not an infection

not even diseases


Maybe you’re proud of me now.


Seventh Hour




So I start with three

simple verses

From the book of truth

Spoken by you

Taken to heart by men


Therefore, in order to keep

me from becoming conceited,

I was given a thorn in

my flesh, a messenger of

Satan, to torment me


Three times I pleaded with

the Lord to take it away from

me. But he said to me, My grace

is sufficient for you, for my power

is made perfect in weakness.


How is your power made

perfect in my weakness Lord

Do you know what I’ve been

through in my life thus far


Do you know the trials and

struggles that I face everyday

The hopes and dreams that

I have seen dashed to peices

on the ground


Late night conversation

with a friend

a brother in your name

I was a wreck


I told him I was in

danger of falling

back to old habits

old addictions

old ways of living


I don’t want to fall

I don’t want to go back

to what I used to be

How I used to live my life

Help me please


He looked right at me

Sadly shaking his head

pointed a finger at me


You’ve become conceited

in your clean living

Taking the credit for your


when you know full well

It wasn’t your doing


It was God’s doing

He took

your pain

bore your shame

Every insult that you’ve uttered

You uttered at him


Everytime you partook in your


It was a slap in his face

not yours


Threw myself onto my face

Felt like I was pushed

by some unseen force

an unseen hand


Lord Almighty

I’m sorry

No more of this

running from you

doing things to spite you

To hurt you

to shame you


Take me Lord

Fit me in your plan

Bend me to your will

save me God

Even though I deserve


I humbly beg this of you.


I’m not worthy to be saved


Yet you saved me anyway

You take me back no matter what

You once said there is NOTHING

that I will ever do where you won’t

still love me, where you won’t still

take me back


So tonight I will pick up my cross

And follow you

Teach me Lord

Show me your mercy

Show me your Grace

Love me


Because I love you God



Sixth Hour

A man once said “If anyone in this

place is unwilling to take a bullet

for Christ’s sake-Leave now and no

harm will come to you. If you stay and

are found false. You’ve written your own



I stood and left like so many other

scared people in this position. Afraid

of what might happen if I stayed. Afraid

of what other people might think of me

following one who many claim never existed.


So many people are “Sunday Christians”

Live wild and free six days a week

On Sunday they sit in the pews at church

and act as though they are a true follower

of Christ.

If you were to ask any of them alone if they

would deny Christ- They’d say no.


I wonder how Peter must have felt

Following Jesus throughout his ministry.

Saying that he was the Christ and loving him

When Jesus was arrested Peter deserted and

then followed them into town and saw

the outcome.


Christ was comdemned to die

as Scripture foretold. Peter could have

spoken up, but didn’t. He was scared of

what the other people around him thought

About Jesus and his disciples.


Peter denied knowing him three times

How hard must that have been for him

To know that he loved Christ But when put

to the test- Denied him just to save his own


I am not worthy to be called a Christian-

I love Christ and I say that I would die for him

Would I really? Would I really be willing to die

because of my unwillingness to Deny God?

I don’t know


I was in the mall one day with some friends

Not Christians. I saw a guy that I really liked

Who was the furtherest thing from Christ

He said to everyone who could hear.

“You were at a Bible study Last night!”


To spare myself the pain of hearing their laughter

That I knew was going to follow that statement

I looked confused. I put on this big act for them

like an award winning actress.


“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I wasn’t

There. You have me confused with some other

girl. I wouldn’t be caught dead in a church.” And

gave a little laugh as though to prove I was telling the



They believed what I said, and everything was fine

once more and I felt as though I was accepted into

their group as though by some miracle I had passed

some unspoken test.


We walked a little more, laughing and carrying on

When some people that I had been at the Bible Study

with saw me. They came up to me and hugged me,

chatting about what fun we’d had the night before.


A girl who was with us said to me, grabbing my arm

“It’s true. You were at the Bible Study” And I stood

there angry because I could hear and feel the

judgement coming from both sides.

“I Don’t know what you mean. I don’t go to

Bible Studies”


I jerked my arm out of her grasp and stood there.

I could feel a little hurt come over me as I denied

knowing him and his name. I was numb to it for

the time being. I didn’t want to lose my new friends-

But I didn’t want to give up God either

And at the same time- I wanted to be accepted


A little while later- I was walking and someone

that I’d met the day before said it was good

to run into me.

I had liked talking to him- He didn’t paint a

pretty picture of life like so many others had.


We sat there and talked for what seemed

like hours alone together, when the group I’d

been hanging out with, came by. I could see

it in their eyes what they

were about to say.

“You were there last night. Everyone saw you-

Why deny it?”


I got so angry and stood up. I didn’t care anymore

I was so sick of defending myself to everyone.

Those who knew me and loved me for me knew

the truth.

Those who didn’t- It was their loss.








After I said that, I felt this wave of shame come over

me. The clock in the center of the mall had struck 3 o’clock.

I closed my eyes and started to weep as I remembered

what was written in Scripture. ‘Before the rooster crows

you will have denied me three times.”


Fifth Hour


As I approach you

I tremble in fear

as I know I’m not worthy

and I feel that you are going to

punish me


I come to you on

Bent knee with a

Bowed Head and a

Broken and shamed heart


Father I am not proud

I don’t want to be haughty

Nor did I want to come here

and be confronted by you


For what can I say Father

What can I do and

what can I offer

to plead my case before you

that I would say that I has just cause

to do what I did


But I am here now Father

and I am weak and I am afraid

Let me rest in your arms

for just a little while as you

comfort me, hold me

Let me speak to you Father


I am not worthy Father

to rest in your embrace

for I have insulted your Kingdom

with my thoughts

my words

my actions


What I feared most of all

has come once again knocking

knocking at my door

I have no more peace because of it

I feel endless turmoil


Everytime I come to you Father

my own mouth by virtue of what

I say condemns me and

it announces my guilt



Father I am troubled tonight

I am fearful of the quickly

approaching date that means

so much to me and my state

of mind


Why would I put myself

in jeopardy so often

and want to take my life

into my own hands

It is not my decision

when my life ends

but yours


I am thankful Father

for the last four years

that you were gracious

enough to give to me

when so many times

you could have taken

my life


I pray Father that day would

no longer trouble me

that it would not be remembered

with pride or happiness

but with thankfulness and humility


You brought me

out of the depths

of the pain I was in

back from despair

from shame from guilt


Every year may I throw

myself on my hands and knees

my face turned towards

and focused on you

and do nothing that day

but praise you

only praise you


One day Father may I

no longer feel the shame

that I feel everytime

I think about it

May I instead stand

firm and fearless

and remember the sins

of long ago

as only water rushing by


You question me Father

I must answer you

but I do not know

what I can say

in my defense

that you would accept


Father you love me


there is nothing

that I can do

that will make you

stop loving me

I did not get to

this point alone


It was you Father

and only you

you gave me

Grace and Mercy

and there is nothing

I can ever do to repay you


Thunder booms and lightening

flashes similar to a storm

I fall back to my knees

as I feel your overwhelming

presence change

I tremble at your power








Who has claims against me

that I must pay them

I gave you a body


breath I gave you LIFE


I did not shorten your life

when you forsook me

when you cursed me

I did not end your life


Your body is an extension

of my temple

My spirit lived in you

even now as you crawl

back to me


It still lives

in you


You do not have peace

from this matter

because you have not asked

me to take it away from you


You have asked in the past

but with the wrong motive

that I would merely take it

away and you could still

indulge in your earthly pleasures


You cannot always have

what you want

I am you Father

I know what is best for you


Do not fear me my child

because fear has to do

with being punished

My love is perfect

and it drives out the fear


So come to me

with your pain

your worries

your burdens

your cares

your anxieties

and rest in my embrace


Fourth Hour

I’m sorry I made you mad

when I messed my pants again

for the third time in one hour

I just couldn’t mke it

fast enough


And I’m sorry that my babbling

annoys you

I can’t always find the right words-

And it takes longer than most to

find them.

Please don’t ignore me


Please don’t be angry that I’m

so slow

I can’t move as fast as I used to

I have nowhere special to be now


Don’t act as though I’m a burden-

I don’t mean to be

I used to be on my own

Now I need help with everything


Please understand that I’m

Trying to retain my dignity

while giving up the choice

to live on my own


I know that you move

at a faster pace and my

slowness only angers you

Please have patience with me

I’m like a baby once more


I understand that it was

easier for me to come here

than for you to care for me

You tried- and for that alone

I love and thank you


Please understand that I am

scared and confused-

angry and maybe

even a little happy

Just accept me


Please hold my hand

and know that it gives me

comfort to hold the hand of

one who loves me


I have stories to tell

memories to share

feelings to feel

sit and listen-

Know me.


Please try to understand

my anger

My own body is rejecting me.



****Inspired by my Father, who struggled for several years.


Third Hour

It has taken so long

Just for me to figure out

The one true friend that I’ve

Always had


Never cared about:

What I wore

How much money I had

How many times I’ve messed up

But would laugh when I tripped


Has never left me

never disbeleived me

Always taken my side

Be there, a phone call away

When I can’t see her


The only person who

loves me unconditionally

Never been ashamed to say,


But will leave a home the will never

be filled once she’s gone


She’s my:

Best friend

Inspiration to be a better woman

Standard for everything right and true


She’s my Mom


Second Hour

Most days people can tell you

Who I am

What I’m like

Where I go

When I do things

Why I do the things I do

How I accomplish it all


That’s ok-

To live life sometimes

You have to be an open book

Other times?


Keep them guessing


I’ve got the weekend off

A little cash

A fuck it attitude

And no cares


I wanna do something

not me

Go out to the Red light district

Find someone to see

Maybe have sex-

Maybe not

We’ll see


Go out have my first

taste of whiskey

Make some new friends

Maybe see where it all leads


I wanna go outside the box





No worries on the time

or who I’d run into

Give into all my desires

just going Friday til Sunday


Maybe find the love of my life

Maybe see what other people

do for fun


The time for fun is dwindling down

and so is my night on the town

Come Monday morning–

I’ll be back to straight laced



An open book for all to see


First Hour

It’s going to hurt

for so long

I just want it to end


I have so much pain


It’s gotta come out somehow


No one noticed the pain

How could they?

They’ve got their own

I’m not the only one


I just don’t understand

How could God come to

take her home with him

Why I found her

Why the image won’t leave


You had such a beautiful smile


way about you

and I don’t even remember

your voice


I have pictures to remind me

of your smile and how

you look

but it’s no substitute

for hav ing you here


I took you for granted

so many times

I had child like fantasies

where you would always

be here and Dad would

be my knight in shining armor


I really need to punch


But what?

Anything to get my

pain out

By any means necessary


I’m survivng


Just barely holding

my head above the


that threatens to bury me


I’m drowning-

Just drowning to

the point of being



I can’t find a way

to get out from under


It’s choking me

hands around my throat

Squeezing tight

Can’t breathe


One second I’m

Happy, laughing


Angry and so ready to

punch something


Lying here alone

I need you here

You made living easy