The Poetry Marathon

I was constantly made to feel like I was a burden for existing. It’s not really my mother’s fault that this is the case. I was a burden for existing to her; I was not on purpose, I was not chosen, I was not selected, I was not carefully, intentionally, curated. That all came much later. When I can recognize the cycles she was a part of the cycles I was raised in and refused to stay in them.

If I had a dime

For each time I was ‘too much’

At least I’d be rich

my brain sits in my skull like a scrambled egg
The Idea Center a blue screen, frozen
I wish I could get to sleep fast
I definitely rely too much on one or another bottle
whether it’s ZzzQuil or a beer, I find myself angry
I almost never stay up till 2:00 a.m. on purpose yet I’m frequently up that late

gaze at the leathery shell and hope it’s not too late
the last of these snakes will make it out of her egg
radiating off of her writhing form i feel anger
the dream leaves me frozen
i fumble for the bed side water bottle
try to tell myself I’m just thisty that’s why I’m gulping so fast

I was made to grow up so fast
I feel like I’m experiencing teenagedom late
all of the feelings I tried to bottle
now I incubate them, protecting my egg
no longer content to be frozen
in time, I’m feeling my feelings and that come with anger

its not her fault she was always so angry
my mom I mean, her temper so fast
its impressive that the circumstances didn’t leave her completely frozen
no one realizes the dangers until it’s too late
try to prepare for the science project of caging your egg
dig through the trash for toilet paper tubes and a plastic bottle

UP, down, I fidget with the bottle
how am I both slower and quicker to anger
unmasking is like peeling a very old hard boiled egg
it is the opposite of fast
i just kept telling myself id eat it later
pretty sure the yolks is somehow frozen

i stand in the kitchen frozen
what was I going to do? Water bottle
snooze my alarm every five minutes so in not late
a routine helps me I’m function. My bodyies refusal to form habits easily makes me angry
if I could just stop thinking so fast
i would actually remember to eat my egg

I make a sandwich with a fried egg hope my sausage isn’t too burnt or still frozen
i eat up fast draining my coffee bottle
some days I just wake up angry, and it’s much easier to be late

Throw a fistful of glitter in the air

wait, don’t, THE PLASTICS. I swear

everything will be ruined by this affair

The micros work their way in

even with my reusable straw and

all consumption a mortal sin

it’s hard not to despair

Don’t be the noun, do the verb

pretending this is a pattern i can curb

would simply leave me disturbed

I’ll do more when I can because I care

the standards i hold myself to

higher than i hold anyone else in my purview

now THAT’s not sustainable, start anew

throw a fistful of glitter in the air

labels hard

lamentably, they are also

useful, amass them unbarred

Mad, enby

LGBTQIA

ADHPTSD

alphabet

soup and it’s actually

the abbreviated set

Wanna join me in

a reminder of my letter-

ed masochism

yes! wait, leathered as

in the animal skin or

in the alphabet?

Honestly, I’m in

either way; both for the challenge

and companionship

How many tabs do 

you have open right now?

“Lots”

That’s not a number

Introduction (after the ‘V’ speech, V for Vendetta) 

DEE! A dastardly and different dream, derived of the desires of the dynamic,

DON’T think them a drudgery of dominant derivatives, distressed into demittance, a dame decreased to be deathly drab, a dull dirge on a darkened dawn

DO think them adroit in devices, in dreams, dragging the dispositions directly from the dutiful, demanding dedication to the divergent dyke of your desire

DRINK and devote a donation of time to domineering duke who digs into your disjunction, a deft, and dextrous deity

I have been holding onto the hope
That I’ll find answers in the moon
Or that I’ll be revealed as a fairy
Released from the expectations of a society that make me want to die
There is too much going on to be bored
But there is also too much going on for me to sleep
–
Sometimes while I am sleeping,
Their eyes blue bore into me again and I wake up with hope
In my heart, i wish that I was bored
I’d prefer that to wailing at the moon
About all the versions of me that have died
When someone stopped believing in fairies
–
I had a dream I met a fairy
And he begged me to help him get to sleep
He told me he could make it so I didn’t have to die
He expected me to take that, but I don’t have that hope
I can’t wait to rejoin the moon
I bet with all the night sky to keep her company, she’s never bored
–
I wonder if the sun gets bored
Maybe that’s why it invented fairies
The stars are always out to party with the moon
While the rest of the world sleeps
Neither of them should be lonely, that’s my only hope
I know how much isolation can make you want to die
–
I don’t have a desire to be young when I die
But when I am low, there are moments where i am so bored
Of being alive. The highs of this roller coaster give me hope
When I can go out to a party and drink beer with a fairy
But on the days I can’t sleep
I try to make stories out of the clouds over the moon
–
I think of certain people when I look at the moon
I don’t know if I can still call them friends, or if that label has died
There used to be nights we’d stay up ’til dawn talking, choosing that over sleep
Being loved by them felt so easy, it was impossible to be bored
My peter pan and my stubborn fairy
Now unanswered text messages, unmet hopes
–
I have been holding on to the hope that I won’t have to keep wailing at the moon
I dream I make friends of a fairy and the loneliness doesn’t make me want to die
But even in moments where I am so bored, I’d still choose living over endless sleep

What wish could be fulfilled by “no”?

Welcome shadow

negotiate

the change of state

What power freely surrendered

You, defender

Take what I need

Trust me to cede

To tell you true just what I crave

My faith you save

With just a touch

your love, too much