The Poetry Marathon

I used to search for signs.
Then I realized even if there were some,
I wouldn’t be able to see them in the dark.

Then I thought I could feel my way out.
I hadn’t considered how sticky I’d left the walls
behind me as I ran my hands along.

Then I thought I’d call for help.
But my voice cracked and I couldn’t seem to put it back together.

Finally I decided I was exactly where I wanted to be.
Well, that was easy!

I will not
I will not
I will not
check the door
the lock
the handle
only to be flung back
against the wall when your
your hatefulness bursts across the
threshold without even breaking a sweat.

I will not.
I will not
I will not
cower in a corner
as you pepper my space
and spray my pink and green walls
with the buttons and blood
of all I kiss goodnight

No.
No.
No.
I will not check the door
the lock
the handle
and help you get in
only to wreak havoc and pain
leave me afraid…ashamed…alone.

No!
No!
No!
I will not.
I will not.
I will not
take the bait,
check the door
the lock
the handle

I will not
I will not
I will not
let you in
by checking whether you’re locked out.

No.
No.
No.
I will not.
I will not.
I will not

Damn it.
I will.
Again.
And again.

The flap of your
double-edged swords
mesmerize.

Do you know how deeply
your beauty and your brevity
move us?

trying too hard
she froze in place
and swayed but didn’t move
looked but didn’t touch
until the thaw
step into the stream
or build a bridge
neither got her where she was
both didn’t seem an option
and again
came the freeze

how odd it is to me you think
i am what you think i am
no more no less
as if to defy laws of physics or california
or whose ever laws those are that say
it is what it is
which I’ve never understood – not the meaning
but the purpose for saying so

i am what i am no matter what you think
or i think or we think or some group think
determines is so and so writes into law and so it becomes

i am
bic pen
the meter is running out
i am until i am not
in this moment

so why all the fuss
on who
i am
or why
i am
or what i might have been
or what i might become

think all you like about i and you and am and am not
me, i’m going swimming

I don’t think it’s magic
that lined the stars
or the pages
that led me down
the yellow brick pages
i rode until clicked and dug
my heel
poked behind the curtain
and knew at once there was no going back
where I started vanished under the hat
as long as rabbit ears ago
no magic required
but feel free to bring it as your dish if you like
Me, I’m bringing sweet potato pie.

I’ve been looking forward to this since…well…probably since a few hours after finishing the marathon the first (and last) time I participated, in 2017. So how is it, despite 2 years of eager anticipation, I find it’s 18 hours before the starting gun and I don’t feel anywhere near ready?

And since I’m not yet ready, and the moments are ticking by, I’ll end here.
Eager to read your words and to share this 24 hour journey with you!