The Poetry Marathon

I’ve told you that I want it and I still do
despite my struggle to find a compelling reason
despite that neither of us ever have

I sewed a dress when I was young
white tulle scratching my face and thighs
longing for something that I couldn’t comprehend

the safety in being claimed
day to day, it carries me
I haven’t yet because I am waiting

I am waiting for the right voice
that will say the name and mean
I finally belong

out of touch but always touching something someone
place or person

give me a name that means whole stable satisfied
if you have a name to spare

if I bleach my hair if I skip down streets if I skip meals
quiet the feeling

the sun may come but I will not be coming with it
white lies are a gift

I give away everything every piece every bitten nail bed
unmade and slept in late

sedate the panic not another word not another burden
can’t I just

calm down grow up smile more eat more tell the truth any truth
except that one

one day I will find myself heal myself give myself permission
to exist in this body

any body will do anybody to stay anybody to tell me it doesn’t have to
be this way forever

after Diana Khoi Nguyen

On the first night we ran out
simple lesson held prisoner
sighs of moon sinking teeth into its exposed belly.

It will not return with us
the innocence like mud between our toes
broken skin healing without the faintest scar.

Their scraps in the wood
spilled wine soaking through linen. The two legged animals:
lost with no desire to be found.

darling
did you think that I’d sit home and cry – that I would
allow myself to fall to fits, with no
regard for what they’ll think of my smudged
lipstick and mascara drips
I wouldn’t consider it – I’d
never dream of
giving that vulnerability to a stranger that hasn’t earned it
darling

it was missing all this time but I never really noticed
if I had never met you, I’d still be searching for it
without a name or a description
just knowing that a void exists
with only theories on what more I was lacking

I thought I needed someone strong
they’d have to be strong – stronger than me
I never considered tenderness a quality
that could sooth my constant ache

isn’t it strange when we hear “tender”
and instead envision “weak”

it was softness that allowed me
to walk through rooms unguarded
not steel plated unbreakable
a wild card brought me to life

I needed someone who didn’t have
to try so hard
to be so hard
to make it hard
to love me

don’t make me choose
between mundane indifferences
the lesser of two evils
never equals satisfaction

I want both
neither
nothing at all

I’ll commit to every season
with a taste for hungry almond eyes
and that rare fox
who offers to walk me home
sharing her umbrella

it’s been said that I talk too much
since I was a child
too animated and dramatic
too fast to keep up with

my mouth and mind
always spinning out
yet somehow I can never
arrive on time

when I do
I always expect to be talked over
interrupted and cut off
seldom heard

but when you part your lips and
recite my last words – verbatim
you show me that
you’re listening

and if I don’t have to fight
to be respected and received
for the first time in my life
I am ready to shut the fuck up

all of my life I imagined you
and you were unattainable
the end of the rainbow
too grandiose to fathom
I wanted your nighttime cityscape skylines
to wear like a sequined belt

I left everything behind to follow you
you called and I listened
arrived too late and found the Hollywood sign unlit
your glitter turned to grit and ground me up
stretched me to my limits
showed me just how much I could take

without breaking

I can’t wait to get rid of you
your pot of gold was a mirage
the vampire city draining
claiming there’s “opportunity here”
mostly these roads seem to dead end
and I’ve outgrown the sirens