The Poetry Marathon

Everything felt like it was crumbling around me
Everywhere to go but home
Let’s dig deep to find the pain inside
You walked away and I was scared I would die
You shattered who I let the world force me to be
Now I finally found the voice they drowned out all those years.
I’m finding exactly who I was always meant to be.
I can look in the mirror and not hate the face looking back at me.
I wasn’t looking
I didn’t actively pick you to come inside of my walls.
To push against them until they tumbled
While you stood back and watched them fall
I liked my black and white world
Thought everything was perfect on my side of the door.
Now I have it all and more

Birthday cake and candles at seventeen
Family and presents
Little sisters, blonde hair and bubbles in the air
I can still see my new blue dress with flowers around the hem
When I look back I can’t remember my dad being there
Never there when it really mattered anyway
Just another year that ended and began with tears
Not really your day or party even if it should have been
Maybe that’s why you hated every birthday until you finally turned thirty

You put joy in my soul
It bubbles up until it overflows
It flows out in light waves of air
You’re sunshine bringing in the light
Only you make everything feel right
The warmth from within is an eternal happiness
The joy bubbles up within until it overflows
Pours out of me and I watch it go

Looking into your eyes
Your hands held in mine
One day while just driving I realized I could write an essay about you.
About the things I learned about you.
The things that had cemented themselves in my brain and found a way to penetrate past the walls around my heart.
I will always remember our start.
All I ask from this moment forward we never part.
I was praying for you for my whole life
Only I didn’t know it
Now I have found my place at your side
I know we’ll be together for all time
I will find you in every lifetime

Looking out these frosty window panes.
You’re away and the cold remains the same.
It pours through the walls into my veins.
Another lonely frigid night.
I reach out to touch the ghostly specter you left behind.
Praying that the snow will bring you in with its flurries.
The soft and silent fall relieves me of my worries.
Another hard night alone.
Staring at the white snow.

Last night I went to heaven.
I met a man that whispered your name like a prayer.

They tell me I’m destined for hell with a frown painted face.
I tell them I have been living there most of my life.
What’s another night?

I try my hardest not to cry.
You are always the very last thing on my mind.

If I could cut my tongue out of my mouth.
If I could just get in my car; run out of town.

I would change it all if I could just never drown.
Last night I went to heaven.

I try my hardest not to cry.
You whisper hope is not dying.
But can you see where I am already dead?

And you want me to be sad that she is gone.
But I am so glad to have grown.

I will never know everything.
Sometimes I’m not sure I know anything.
I do know I would wait forever for you.
Then when that one ended I would wait around some more.
Now here I sit next to you.
Why is it so hard to tell you that I love your smile?
That out of all the blue eyes I like yours the best.
That I am so grateful that you let me in.
That I could get lost in your laugh.
That I found something in you I didn’t realize I was missing.
That I haven’t been the same since you became a part of my life.
That every single hand leaves a mark but only yours will last forever.
But that’s exactly how I want my story to be read.
That you shattered me into pieces so I could learn to build me back better.
That you taught me to look to myself to conquer my fears and to believe.
That every single day I hope you’re okay.
At the end of the day I hope you never leave.

Where are you?
Sometimes I wonder…
I wonder how you and I got here.
I try to hear all the things that were never said.
Could I come back?
Would it be like before I left?
Would your days still begin and end with me?
Is your heart still as warm as our clasped hands?
Did I break your heart?
I know I made you think I was always going to be there.
I know I let you down.
Do you still miss having me around?
Do you think time can mend what was lost?
I saw you once and you were as cold as an early spring frost.
Can you just tell me if all the love we had is truly lost?
Are the walls you rebuilt impenetrable this time around?
Because it’s a box of letters waiting to be read.
It’s a message in a bottle just stuck in my head.
It’s three little words begging still to be said.
It’s everything until not much is left.
It’s months flying by with my arms still reaching out to you even now.

I find you printed in black ink on paper in a hardback book on my shelf.
You’re tattooed on my heart filling up all the space.
Please look for me
Find me dancing barefoot on the pavement.
Losing myself in the bottom of a wine glass
I’m a child with my knees stained with green grass
This is only the beginning.

Maybe it tastes a little bit too much like vodka at eighteen.
High on peer pressure and low self esteem.
Nothing to remember and everything still to forget.
Kisses that now when I look back taste like regret.

You can always count on getting older
And Death is a part of life
And Love is just a game
Every roll brings me one step closer to you no matter how I try.

You’re the sunflower stark silhouette against the night sky.
You taste like sunshine at twenty three.
I think I’m kind of someone but still haven’t found me.
I watch the time fly but time is at a standstill in your eyes.
Just like God hand knitting the clouds in the sky.

We can always count on getting older
Death is only a part of life
And all the love before you was only a game
Every move brought me one step closer to you.

Can you hear me even now?
Feeling lost even at sixty-three
This is our story and it’s only the beginning.

Photos in a frame
Memories of a life well lived
Our parents looked like you and I
Momma was bright eyed in white at nineteen.
You take my hand and tell me we will be fine.
I’m alive in my party dress tonight.
One sip just watch the distress melt away.
Because tonight we are infinite
You and I are too young to die
It’s a magical time
Let’s just have the time of our life
The war is only alive in the memories in our mind.
You and I are on top of the world tonight.
Don’t cry, you and I are infinite tonight