The Poetry Marathon

Monochrome illustrations in hard-to-paint folds
Wealth brimming silence calm bustle outside
Compelling cringing urges to escape
Wild unbroken horse mental whirl
Shattered and whole, broken sheet vacuumed packed.
Frosted preserved and taunting at me
Never again, rings such dull hope
Considering possibilities not outwardly spoke.
Still cast down besides, so accursed
I know I truly want no one else.

Casting spells at your altar
Calling for me to become untimely real
The loving ‘thing’ you never had
and despite all here I came.
A shot came through of purest love,
That love not felt by us for years
Commanded to me by some inner calling
Encouraged and beckoned
On I float and come so close nearby.

Then come I come and whats all about,
but where I arrive no welcome’s near.
A fortress avoidant and walls most bleak.
Why call on me now for this?
While every intimacy an invasion seems,
Eros spread so thin so no where sticks.
In destructive rampage I reach out.
I meet every snare and trap you laid
Wounded and cut I stagger through
No drawbridge lowers and no moat abates
Yet on I wander through and through.

How dare I care, how dare I exist
Every step I make is a terrible wrong.
Boundaries drawn and redrawn to keep me out.
I falter and I stutter so confused of whats about.
If finally you kill me off
then know you must no more may come,
chances so precious we must all change,
as prayers are only answered from above.

When one stares so deep into mortar stone
then blinkered forgets the world beyond.
Taking comfort in the harshest materials,
as harsh breeds harsh and constructs this here.
I glimpse behind this place with momentary wonder,
As did you when kneel you did and made your incantations.
You sorcerer’s apprentice cast so well
and water comes and water comes
no wall you make can keep it out.

I trip and knock defences here and there,
show the hollow insides of idols near,
divesting of what we truly don’t need.
If such spells could cast us dearly so,
then maybe it was this same current called on
which now comes to push these barriers away.
Cling not to stone or wood or clay,
Wealth abounds wherein we pray.
What a curse to finally get what you invoke,
Accusing the universe for the horror it provoke.

I really never meant no harm,
but felt this call with perfect calm.
This confusing and confounding tear,
glace up our stars have crossed so near.
Yet come as asked and shunned with fear,
How could this magic have brought me here?

Why do you wish for the last thing you can handle,
I am not a golem made for you my dearest.
I cry myself to sleep and say,
here I am my promised love please stay.
My life goes on without unlimited scope,
my will was aligned to meet your plight,
I trained my whole life long time
conditioned by all I felt and knew
to manage to still survive,
to come now and know you.

When amputate me you did,
I have nothing but faith to hold me here,
yet I know you threw your purest wish for us.
I see inside that far tower there,
where waits a prisoner bound by herself,
walled in and chained up so tight,
needing the merest gift of light.
I wait outside these mighty walls,
with arrows thrown and rocks down too,
with calmness and sure footing of place.
Surviving for that one promised day,
when exhausted ramparts will fall down,
and our children openly spring forth,
and then I know my heart does say
that we may live forever more.

Blindfolded not knowing where she is again
Who she is with, how she feels
Does she enjoy this?
So tied I can’t go to her
I can’t reach towards those eyes which so often turn away
Does this have any meaning?
Why does it bother me so
If it was only work why couldn’t she not kiss me before
Trust up enveloped and resting on a ledge
I have to accept this if we will have a chance
She is hating my constant closeness
Guilty for how she knows I feel.
What is left here?
Do we enjoy each other
or just provoke need in each other?

After struggling through a wilderness of a conversation
Drowning in awkward tundra
Pretending to be calm and fine
Throat choked up
She needs to finish getting ready for her deed
I hear another abandonment
I am such a mess
A small wave crest peeps upwards
Saying she loves me before leaving.

Slight gentle cusps of fragrance and color

Taken up from their generation

Cut bleeding torn in half

The visible seized and invisible left ignored.

Little prayers written away on my little screen
So much hope and yearning
Not sure they will be heard
Maybe light coincidence improve
A matter of faith
No intercession,
nor reply.

Themselves a word offering,
raised up to what appears divine.
She prayed for others,
Not for me,
I am still new at this.

If I adore her,
it lets me feel.
The temple floods.
She is tired of being devoted,
and overwhelmed by her devotees.
I came too late
Atheist to herself
Agnostic to me.

I priest offer something
on behalf of the world,
contrite and crying,
forgive us all that is past,
none know what we do.

A slight passion on me
for former sinners.
Little Via Dolorosa
She sets me on,
she walks it often.

Grace I cannot deserve.
As above, so below,
make that loving contact
before it all falls down,
and we return back as before.

A pettled being wrapped in a prefab condo building,
Struggling to push up through the crust
Sunlight feeling so far above
Richness of lightless abode of soil
Rotten decaying regenerating sustenance.
The pool exhibited by the laundry room accompany this venue for my alchemy,
Without historic churches or market places, tradition is only left inside.
The land wiped clear cut off from the humans here before
Thrown together like a cargo cult,
Is this sprawling parking lot my rose garden?
Here I found my flower, calling me to devotion as my Goddess
Here where they killed all pagans
and built strip-malls over ritual spirit lands.
We can still grow here
together.
The rotation of places help reveal the only things I can take with me.
If she can bud in such grey senseless plastic
what blooms await elsewhere.

Must enter her other mindset before she arrives
Weirdly standing back supporting loving
Cant I do all the same
But still wow, alone home writing during
Thinking imagining where she is
Two different paths in my mind
One knows she did this many times
One wildly enticed and struggling
Last night dreaming about it – the seedy allure
She still makes me feel special
She works hard to make it ok
My calming mother about to fucked and spat on
I would do the same
I did the same
If I had slept I would be anxious
Feeling mechanical
I want to accept her love, weird a niggle holds me back
Fleeing to her immediately
She pulls back from kissing me
Her loving mouth still in its numb mode.
she doesn’t want to inflict the corruption
I think she must feel unlovable
Enacting to be so totally used
Exposed to what blights her peace and darkens from her earliest days
She expects it to happen again, better on her terms than against
Not drugged and not sold, but voluntary this time.
Every rational cog dedicated to justifying
an object in someone else’s game
The empty saying of nice things is a tiny cost for such lust.
Finding someone already ‘broken in’ by trauma
a gift of an outlet for those wanting to abuse.
Earliest intimacy determining
Before she could think this went inside.
Play a return to childhood,
but what a childhood!
I met her there, on the floor, in the saliva and unknown semen.
In heart I held her hair back and touched her tears.
She couldn’t hug him in the end – she couldn’t pretend this time.
She knew I was there.
I am no better, almost certainly worse.
I give her all of me knowing I will always fall short.
He fucked me too
Its not new
Comfortably numb beside my love
Two half children attempting a whole.

She makes me feel like her student
Kissing at the feet of my naked guru
Giving me a purity of thought beyond my concepts
integrating the parts of me
Asking me what I need
Giving me what I ask
Caring about her footprints
Humbling me
Opening up my child
Making it feel ok
I don’t have to hide
She lets me be vulnerable
There is no shame in being broken
Six degrees later and only now I feel like I am learning
How can I preserve such a treasure
She is given to the world
She is my seminar
I don’t learn any anecdotes
She reaches in and shows me myself
Patience beyond any mother
Compassion utterly beyond my own
How can I be worthy of such love
How can I become like that
All my pretensions fail
I flounder in having anything to offer
Another poet she made in her school
Her devotees are endless
How arrogant am I to seek to be chief Chela
I don’t know how to be – then I never knew how to be
But only with her do I see it
An unmoved limb pathetically flaps in me
Helpless
Struggling
Makes me desperate for her gaze
As I know she can see me
I don’t get seen – I hide with security so complex
How can I live now
The scales fall from my eyes
I am so transformed and yet still me
Maybe this is what calmness feels like
I know there are others – yet she makes me feel the one
What a terrible demanding child I am
I just forgot I never got this
I forgot that behind it all
The way to calm the constant whirl
Which is so constant I thought it normal
Is just to be accepted
I am so afraid of this unknown.

Nameless as I don’t dare name
Staring into darkness on black
Abject use play toy horror not worth a name object to use fuck pass around next
Not worth a bother
All the effort I can muster for you
So little
Annoying me
Go cry to death elsewhere
I’m busy
Did all I can
Did all for me – what are you anyway
Just a thing for me
Not worth a name
Can’t now name herself
Could be anything
Scared of what really is
Endless dark
No way out
Suppress
Tread dark evil water
Desperately
Don’t ripple
It will drown me
One drop too much
Barely holding up
Sinking
Choking
Choke me
Daddy
Hurt.
Hurt me
All I can
Numb it away
Fucking made me feel
Nothing.