It is a truth universally acknowledged
That a young couple locked in the hold of a ship
For forty days, off the coast of Venice,
Are in need of a good book.
It is a probability, widely accepted,
That this book should feature
Stakes no more severe than
Very rich young people
Very slightly crossed in love.
It is a choice… politely accepted
That this book be read back to back
Five times.

It is a truth universally acknowledged
That a young couple locked in the hold of a ship
For eighty days, off the same coast,
Are in need of the same book.
It is a probability, widely accepted,
That they will cast
Their own *NEW* *HOLLYWOOD* *ADAPTION*
(Names in lights)
(Set in rural Somerset)
It is a choice politely accepted
That they also cast the Radio 4
Comedy version.

It is a truth universally acknowledged
That a young couple now released from their ship
But cast away from gentle streets of gondaliers
Are in need of some stability.
And so it is a probability, widely accepted,
That the next adaption should feature
A fully gender–bent cast.
Apart from Mel and Sue
As the Gardiners. Obviously.
It is a choice politely accepted
That Mister Hurst be correctly identified
As a cat.

It is a truth universally acknowledged
That this young couple, having made dry ground,
Have now been living in close quarters for quite some time,
And have gotten in their heads a little bit.
It is a probability, widely… accepted,
That actually, no one knows this book
As well as them, that
The average man is wrong
About Elizabeth and Darcy.
It is a fact, agreed to mainly in self-defense,
That he is also wrong
About Mr Collins.

It is a truth universally acknowledged
That this is tradition now. What would they do
To get to sleep? What? Read a different book?
Hm. Hmmm… No.
It is a probability, widely accepted,
That, hey, this book is full of people
Completely silent, wholly uncredited
Where are all the servants?
What are all their names?
It is a choice politely accepted
To stay up researching regency household staff
For six hours.

It is a truth universally acknowledged
That a young couple on their fifth circuit
Have developed something of an obsession
Realistically.
It is a probability, widely accepted,
That THIS read-through comes with a LIST of names
And character bios. Of forty-eight servants.
And a tenant farmer.
Also very slightly crossed in love.
It is a choice politely accepted
To interject their tales throughout into
The body of the text.

It is a truth universally acknowledged
That a young couple, something like settled,
Their days of adventure not quite behind them,
Are still in need of a good book.
It is a probability, widely accepted,
That a sixth read-through should begin.
With stakes no more severe than
Very rich young people
Very slightly crossed in love.
It is a choice, unusual but cherished
That this book be read bit by bit,
Back-to-back.
Every night.
Every night.
Every night.

The repeating refrain at the start of every stanza is taken from the first line of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice.

…Which at this point, I know quite well.