Why Didn’t I

There’s a lot of things in my life

Where I ask the question Why Didn’t I?

However only one eats me up inside

And it was the night that my daughter’s innocence was lost

Stolen

Why didn’t I turn the light on?

When I was being a light to someone else

And when my daughter needed light

My light

To shine on her

I left her in the darkness

Why didn’t I turn the light on?

Like I did in the other rooms

Even when I saw shadows

But not when I saw a shadow over you

Why didn’t I turn the light on?

Was it because something in me wasn’t turned on

Or was it that I just couldn’t believe or didn’t think it would, could, happen to you too

Why didn’t I turn the light on?

Like I did when you screamed

Waking up from your dreams

Your memories

Because you remembered what he had done

Then quickly to be safe and be at peace

You put on a strong a face and later said

That didn’t happen to me

Why didn’t I turn the light on?

And call the police

Take his DNA to the doctor

When I wiped it from you the next day

Why didn’t I trust my instinct

Go with my gut

Instead of staying in denial

Why didn’t I turn the light on?

It replays over and over in my head

Now I cannot forget

And it’s like I’m torturing myself

Waiting for you to get mad at me

Accuse me of not being there

Of not doing my job right

I would deserve this fight

When the time came

For you to ask me

To say

“Mommy. Why Didn’t You Keep Me Safe

Why Didn’t You Protect Me

Mommy I knew you were there

Just like you knew he was there

Why didn’t you turn the light on

And save me?”

And I am so mad at myself

Because I’ve been asking that same question

You deserve an answer, something that makes sense

Something that might even be close to acceptable

But I have none of that

I only have, “I don’t know baby Girl.

I’ve been asking myself that question too.”

It’s not good enough

Nothing will ever be good enough

My power of Self Accountability and Self Responsibility

Failed my daughter that night

So each day I ask myself inside

So that it will never happen again

Why Didn’t I

 

Copyright © 2019 by Angelica Stevenson

All Rights Reserved

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hour 20

So life clashed this year. I’m a little disappointed, but not remorseful.

And even if I’m not doing as well as I’d like to be doing, I’m not giving up.

 

Where has my mind gone?

Away on the wings of dreams

Through mists of silver

2019 – Nineteen – Looking Back to the Beginning. Prompt 1, Hour 1 – I Am

I am the man who would wear no more shoes
to stroll and to feel all the sand by the sea
knowing that nothing is what I can lose
having little enough, and much less, sets me free.

I am the man who would live at the top
of a mountain, no kidding, in a cave in the snow.
I never seek real folks outside of the shop.
For solitude, do you know how far I would go.

I am the man with such hope in his soul
I fear for the world but not much for me.
I’ve been dead already, or nearly. The whole
of this life is already mine, and where I can be free.

I am a painter, a poet, a bard.
I’d walk off tomorrow, and leaving behind
my family, my friends, everything that I guard,
my possessions, and singing, for someone to find.

I am a man with no political bent
my beliefs are my own and I keep them inside.
As for my God, while he is heaven-sent,
she’s mine, mine alone, for my heart to abide.

I am a man who has spoken enough
of himself this dark evening, and maybe too much.
The rest of my secrets, are mine and they’re tough
to hide from you all, as they’re not yours to touch.

PS

Dear Dad,

I forgot to ask you 
- Parent to parent -
What was the point?
I don’t understand.
You were a hardworking and diligent person.
You found honor in providing for your family.
Why so mean? So unapproachable? 
So.... juvenile?
We weren’t in a competition, 
and I want you to know that.
I don’t know what kind of competition 
We could be in fairly.
But let me be perfectly clear.
You didn’t win.
I’m not sure why you didn’t know that.
I’m not sure why you were so sad,.
so bitter.
It doesn’t matter any more,
unless it does.
It is still a mystery to me
Even after all these years.
Maybe I’ll write again. 
Would you like that?
Or is it still painful to listen to 
your own daughter.
Let me know.
Love, 
Laurie

Hello Darkness- Hour 19

Hello Darkness my old friend

I’ve come to talk with you again

We have done this so many times Darkness

We truly are old friends

Paul Simon knew what he was talking about

I have delved into so many consequences

Philosophies, regrets, personal testimonials

I have been frightened of you at times

Other times you sooth my soul

These days you a refuge from the heat of the day

And the long hours of sunlight and work anguish

I have had those visions softly creeping

Dreams, nightmares, imaginings, epiphanies

Darkness my old friend

I hope you can get me through again

Lend me your simple wisdom

Within the Sounds of Silence

Your voice comes thru

Teaching me, taunting me, but always honest

in your reflection.

Oh, Dear…

Dear Unmentionable Organization

Whose unjust nature creates

Hell from a handbasket,

Look, this wasn’t my idea, you know…

The 1962 thing.

All I did was stick out my tongue

Trying to make the son of a bitch laugh.

I was a toddler, for God’s sake!

Just a loving little girl

Who thought everyone in the world

Loved her back.

I expected a hug,

And a smile.

And we got an attack.

Now, tell me that isn’t crazy.

Please.

I’m trying to figure it out.

You see, I’m all grown up now,

Nearly sixty years old,

Though that opportunistic freak

You called a leader said otherwise.

So, let’s face it, Bro…

Although, you say we’re all in this

Together….

You and I both know we’re not.

Out here, we’re adults.

We admit when we’re wrong,

And we know when we’re right.

We’re fair, and we seek justice.

You, on the other hand,

We’re not so sure that these

Mountains of molehills are all that

Forward thinking

Relative to the good of the world.

We disagree that

Embarrassment over not really being

The Greatest

Is all that big a deal in the grand

Scheme of things.

Everyone else knows we’re not,

After all; so, who is being fooled

By whom?

The answer to that is you,

And you.

Full circle.

The circle of crazy.

Waving flags at one another

To the point that all are blinded

By the cloth.

Quite a circus you’ve got going on there

In those “great” halls.

Now, if we could get some adults

In the show…

Just Jump! (prompt 22, Hour 18)

Dear one with the silver hair,

Your baby days are past, and all your children gone.
But you are not a shriveled husk, some dried nut whose life is done.
You wear white hair like a badge of glory.
Bravo! Only those who burned in the fire
have lived all the colors that merge into white.
How beautiful you are
even with wrinkles and sagging skin.
Each line is a story someone needs to hear.
Each fold of your neck hides a place where love begins.
Even if you still have devils, they cannot steal your show.
You know their weaknesses, and
You are alive in a way the young can never know.

Freed from the slavery of hormones
you are liberated for the last third of your life,
able to start remembering who you were before
the years when reproduction brought its strife.
That was you in your purest form back then, and now
you have circled back to the dreams that truly matter.
Be bold! Go back to school and learn what you love.
Get out and help the souls who tug at your heart.
Bring your joy to those whose joy has died.
You are powerful, you are limitless, you have time.
Like some brave frail bird you can soar above life
to the edge of infinity, free at last to be
and answer only to the calling of your heart.
Don’t hold back. Don’t be shy. There’s no time like now.
Jump, dear one, jump! Your wings are ready .

Cruelty (A Lune, Hour Nineteen)

Cruelty

you laugh when I cry

cruelty

my pain, your pleasure

 

 

(A lune is also known as American Haiku and follows the three line format with a syllable count of 5/3/5.)

 

 

 

The Moon has a Scent

The Moon has a Scent
Virginia Carraway Stark

Night blossoming
Moon flower
Palest ivory
Lemon ice
Scented jasmine
The smell of water
The heat of the night
Secret oasis
Bring me here again
In your arms
Hold me tight
My heart is pounding
Can you feel it?
Or is your pulse
Beating in time with mine?
Roses sleep, there heads nodding
In a late, full moon breeze
Mingling their velvet scent
With the brown of sandalwood
The ivory of jasmine
And the way our hearts beat as one
The water cooling our thirst
(but not our thirst)
Sand baking into our bare feet
“I can smell the moonlight” I say,
And you laugh, because no one can, of course
But in that moment everything has a scent to me
Even the moon flavors the air faintly
Of apricots and figs, vanilla sorbet
Girls are so silly
The night is getting hotter
I can see my breath
Tonight’s the night for love
In the secret oasis
Where everything has a scent

Prepare

do you feel it, quicken your pace
it is behind you giving chase.
soon it will be here are you ready.
will you be able to hold close and steady.
don’t let it find you just anyplace.

or you may vanish without a trace.
or even worse you’ll be replaced.
remember this is an adversary.
do you feel it,

do you think it is a wraith,
or is it due to your disgrace,
maybe an enemy’s mercenary
could this all be ancillary
whatever it is it seeks embrace
do you feel it?