The Spiral
One mistake
Just one, small mistake,
Inconsequential in the grand scheme
Of life and the universe.
And yet it is enough
To awaken The Spiral.
The Spiral of thoughts
That begin with “You messed up”
And ends with “You’re too flawed
To be truly loved.”
My logical brain knows
It’s the result of faulty wiring,
Not to be trusted,
And not at all true.
But The Spiral persists,
The sound growing louder,
Louder, louder until it’s screaming
And I am paralyzed,
Unable to find the motivation,
To find the purpose of even moving.
In The Spiral every flaw is scrutinized,
Viewed under my mind’s strongest microscope.
Every moment of imperfection is weighed and measured.
Even moments of happiness and joy
Are not safe from The Spiral.
The Spiral tells me that I am not enough,
That I am too broken.
It tells me no one would ever want to carry
The burden of my brokenness.
The Spiral tells me to keep
My deepest hurts, my darkest thoughts to myself.
It tells me that my friends who care
Will change their mind if they knew.
And if they don’t, eventually they will
Realize that the burden of my being
Outweighs any good I bring to their lives
And they’ll see it’s easier
To just walk away.
The Spiral is a demon and a liar.
The Spiral does not have my best interest in mind.
The only interest The Spiral has is my destruction.
It is an enemy I have fought many times
And will likely fight many more times.
Sometimes it lies dormant, quiet in its cage.
But now and then, without warning,
It breaks free and the battle commences once more.
Some days The Spiral is overwhelming
And I wonder if it’s even worth the fight.
But to quit isn’t in my blood
So I rise up, each and every time,
And I face down the enemy of my mind.
Because losing to The Spiral
Is not an option.
