I am ignorant of emoji. I see their scoffing faces looking up at me, knowing I can’t distinguish a plea from a pensive. The details all swarm together until they’re rolling on the floor laughing at my unamused face.

This is me, filled to the brim with pink hearts and covered in sweet paw prints. Oh look, there is a ball of yarn! Did someone leave me that as a present? I do want to vomit when I view the one I call The…