Arguing With Myself

Okay, body-listen up
It’s time that you lay off
The pain for a spell
With bones cracking like
A thick branch snapping
Sending sharp stings
I cry out
Silently through clenched teeth
Smile as I lie and say I’m okay
When I’m really truly not
And blink away the tears
When my knee gives out
Landing hard upon them
Too weak and pained to stand
Though I do anyway
Because I’m too young to have
Chronic illness-
To be weak.
My mind argues that I could
Do it all before
But now the body I burned through
Tells me its time to slow down
But brain says
“No, we’ll do it anyway.”
And pay the steep price of
Immobility for days on end.
My head pounds like a steel drum
With every ache further convincing me
That the folds of my brain are
Being cleaned with tiny wire brushes
Scratching away like a cat at the door
Trying to make its escape.
And, what’s more disheartening
Is that pain is a playground in my head
And like a scream but can’t be cut short.
It is forever feeling like an auto accident
The invisible bruising covering my back
As though I had fallen without a parachute
From 1800 feet-
Although I’d much rather the tequila
And drunk dial Jose.
Forty walking with a cane-
Waiting for the day when I can feel
More like a badass with a shillelagh
Wishing I was more like
a ghost in the shell
with interchangeable parts.
Knowing my limits but ignoring them
To pretend to be who I was before
My body started disagreeing with me
And decided to fight me back-
Much like my fight or flight hasn’t shut off
Neither will my pain
For they remain on like Donkey Kong
Though, I believe he’d be more apt
To win this battle-
Better equipped than I
But I try and smile through it
Brush of the electric taser snaps
In every stupid nerve
And if you hear me cursing under my breath
Know that it’s directed at this faulty meat suit
And not at all at you.

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