I’m not my mother’s daughter, I am my own machine.

I stand tall, I walk proud, and I know how to act mean.

 

I’m the funniest person you’ve ever met. Most interesting, too.

There’s absolutely nothing I’ve ever tried that I can’t do.

 

Only black diamond ski slopes, and dollar slot machines.

Did I mention I was in black ops in the United States Marines?

 

I’ll wear grey hair tomorrow, but purple rocks today.

There’s never a situation where I don’t know what to say.

 

Want to get to know me? Come out to my yacht!

I’ve got ten million Twitter fans, and they all think I’m hot.

 

I once stole a ride through Canada on a giant hot air balloon

Then went straight down to NASA to fly a rocket to the moon.

 

I climbed up Mt. Everest backwards, and I only used one hand,

Then flew right back to London to front a death-metal band.

 

I’m sure you know Rhianna—I taught her how to dress.

The Pope and I philosophize, and then he asks me whom to bless.

 

Mechanics come to me to make their fine Ferraris purr.

I wield a magic sword that forces kings to call me sir.

 

I saved five thousand refugees from drowning in the sea.

I even solved the problem of where to let transgenders pee.

 

I’m sure by now you’re thinking only some of this is true.

You’re right, but what exactly? Well, I leave that up to you.