There’s a lot of things in my life

Where I ask the question Why Didn’t I?

However only one eats me up inside

And it was the night that my daughter’s innocence was lost

Stolen

Why didn’t I turn the light on?

When I was being a light to someone else

And when my daughter needed light

My light

To shine on her

I left her in the darkness

Why didn’t I turn the light on?

Like I did in the other rooms

Even when I saw shadows

But not when I saw a shadow over you

Why didn’t I turn the light on?

Was it because something in me wasn’t turned on

Or was it that I just couldn’t believe or didn’t think it would, could, happen to you too

Why didn’t I turn the light on?

Like I did when you screamed

Waking up from your dreams

Your memories

Because you remembered what he had done

Then quickly to be safe and be at peace

You put on a strong a face and later said

That didn’t happen to me

Why didn’t I turn the light on?

And call the police

Take his DNA to the doctor

When I wiped it from you the next day

Why didn’t I trust my instinct

Go with my gut

Instead of staying in denial

Why didn’t I turn the light on?

It replays over and over in my head

Now I cannot forget

And it’s like I’m torturing myself

Waiting for you to get mad at me

Accuse me of not being there

Of not doing my job right

I would deserve this fight

When the time came

For you to ask me

To say

“Mommy. Why Didn’t You Keep Me Safe

Why Didn’t You Protect Me

Mommy I knew you were there

Just like you knew he was there

Why didn’t you turn the light on

And save me?”

And I am so mad at myself

Because I’ve been asking that same question

You deserve an answer, something that makes sense

Something that might even be close to acceptable

But I have none of that

I only have, “I don’t know baby Girl.

I’ve been asking myself that question too.”

It’s not good enough

Nothing will ever be good enough

My power of Self Accountability and Self Responsibility

Failed my daughter that night

So each day I ask myself inside

So that it will never happen again

Why Didn’t I

 

Copyright © 2019 by Angelica Stevenson

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