The Poetry Marathon

We wear masks

To protect ourselves from Covid

Some think it makes us safer

Some think it’s complete BS

But amidst Covid is not the only time

We wear masks

We have been wearing them all of our lives

Whether we’ve realized it or not

Anytime we say we are okay when we’re not

Every time we pretend to be or like something to be accepted

We wear masks

They’re just not physical

Maybe it does protect us

Or maybe the world would be better if we showed our true selves

But I think more often than not

We wear masks

A solo journey to clear my head

Has only left me with more and more

Could you see it if you were here?

Would you believe me if I told you?

I’ve stumbled across the end of the earth

It’s not flames of misery

Or floods of zombies

It’s flat

It’s hope

It’s a thought portal

All the flat earthers

All the round earthers

And everyone else in between

We all have a galaxy full of emotions and opinions

Displayed so perfectly in front of me

Creating a perfect blend of differences

That feel so right next to each other

You can see every hope and dream anyone has ever had

Every spark of love and desire and lust

Constellations connecting each thought pattern

None of it ever leading to anything but more and more beauty

What if we create our own problems

And downward spirals

By believing life is a circle

Meant to bring us down at some point

Why do we all wait for the other shoe to drop

When the first one never dropped in the first place?

Or when two shoes will help us get around easier?

Let yourself believe whatever you want

But please,

Let it be accompanied by hope

There was never a dull moment with you

You left a trail of magic everywhere you went

You held a joy so powerful you couldn’t help but share it with everyone you saw

But now you’re gone

And I don’t think the world will ever be the same

Life used to be my favorite meal

And now it’s lost all its flavor

And I can’t get myself to eat

Dog kisses feel dry

The flowers don’t have the courage to bloom

Pictures lack color and feel empty

Time is frozen still, chilling me to the bone

Life used to feel like a movie

But now it feels like someone forgot to turn the camera off

Everyone’s gone home

The lights have been turned off

And I’m just waiting

Hoping

For something else to happen

For you to reappear

To put a smile back on my face

But your part of the story is over

I know you’re still in every scene

Perhaps even more so now

But your watching from behind the screen

Just a fly on the wall

When you were always meant for the stage

You were the light in every tunnel

But now you’ve reached your end

And life is just a dark cave

My eyes will never adjust to

I don’t know how to exist without you

I don’t know that I ever will

I don’t want to

The magic you left behind is still here

But it’s harder to believe in now

Everything was so much easier with you here

I never legitimately considered forever

Until I met you

But the longer we were together

The harder it seemed to stay together

Is forever just a lifetime of casually sharing moments together?

I think forever should be the only way you envision your life with someone

Every moment filled with love and compassion

Even in the heaviest rainfall

You can dance

And be cleansed

With a smile on your face

Angels show themselves the most

In the snow

It’s not the two rings that bind a couple together forever

It’s the love

And the passion

You never forget to water

Because you never want it to die

But we’ve never been good about watering anything

Unless it was absolutely necessary

Or until it was far too late

I never wanted a forever

But I also never wanted a love that challenged me

To actually feel loved

Or seen

My thoughts are the inside of a lava lamp, cluttered and combining into a beautiful heated mess.

I have a loaded gun, but no trigger

I hear blood fill my ears. Danger has never tasted so good. I touch the lifeless body that is no longer mine. I see nothing but fear, and I taste the air to try and bring me back.

I see mattie on the train where a stranger should be

I am the trigger

You are nothing and nowhere compared to where I thought we would be, but that does not disappoint me. I think even without you realizing it, you’ve managed to let go of the expectations of the world and you found yourself. You stopped following the paths of others and became who you wanted to be. You’ve struggled along the way, but who doesn’t? We’ve never known happiness, but I can see that you’re destined to figure it out. You have a curiosity about life that can’t be traded, diminished, or forgotten– even though it feels like it a lot of the time. You have become stronger and smarter than you give yourself credit for. You’ve escaped the expectations of the world, but now you need to escape the expectations I set for us. I know I had big dreams for us, but that’s the life of a dreamer. When having so many doesn’t lift you up, it’s okay to release them like a balloon into the air. We can’t hold on to every single one forever. This life is about more than than your accomplishment collection. Remember what it’s like to be carefree, and to have fun! Find the part of us that believed anything was possible before everyone told us it wasn’t. I know there’s a lot about  yourself now that you don’t like, but I believe there is so much to love. Maybe the greatest thing you can do is to love yourself, and to let yourself be loved back. We’ve never been good at giving any of the love in our heart to ourselves, but I know you’re capable of doing so. Why are we so willing to give it all away, anyways? Give to yourself what you truly deserve, because you do deserve it. We deserve it. And know that no matter what you do, I will always be proud and view you as someone to look up to. I love you.

Yours Truly,

You 10 years ago

My name is courtney, and this will be my first ever marathon! I’m a little nervous, but also incredibly excited! I haven’t written in a while and am ready to dedicate an entire day to it, leaving expectations and doubts behind 🙂