The Poetry Marathon

Curled up
Favorite chair
Perfect cup of constantly warm tea
Headphones on
Favorite music
Favorite book
Favorite person curled up with me
Soft blanket
I am safe and sound

The stars are thick in the sky
The stars are scattered in the lake
A star encased in glass sits in the boat
The stars shine from the town
I build constellations from sky
To water
To boat
To land
Wrapped in starlight

Dear Rob,

I’m sure you don’t know what you did
I’m sure you don’t get it
Because while you are perceptive and sensitive and observant
There are some things that just fly right over your head

So I don’t think you know how badly you fucked up

You don’t understand that I lost all trust I had in you
When you didn’t stand up with me
You don’t understand that I lost all desire to be near you
When I realized you wouldn’t defend me
You don’t understand that I lost all belief in you
When the prophecy I spoke so long ago came true

“I don’t mind his non-confrontational style that much
But when it causes him to hurt someone else
That’s the day I’m going to have a problem with him.”

It took five years
But you finally fulfilled my fear
I had hoped you wouldn’t
I had bet that you wouldn’t
After five years, I thought for sure you wouldn’t
But… then…

And of course you didn’t notice
Because the person in question wasn’t hurting you
You couldn’t see, like I could, that this person was going to hurt others
Your dedication to non-confrontation
Was finally about to hurt someone

Last time any words of mine went to you
Was early August
It’s almost been a year
I haven’t heard anything about you

In all seriousness, I hope you are alright
But I don’t know that I ever want you in my life again
You have proven untrustworthy
And that stung the most

This pandemic is getting to me
Pandemic led to budget cuts
Budget cuts lead to decreased funding
Decreased funding has caused me to lose my kids
The ones I work with
The ones I care for

This is taking too much from me

I take care of five kids per year
I have done so for the last nine years
They come to me often just from high school
Trying to find their place in the world
And in this institution
And in this job
I take them by the hand
And lead them in

This is taking too much from me

The horrible part is there is no solution
There is no way to fix this
Money being taken away
Often stays away
And I am wondering
When I’ll ever have a brood again

This is taking too much from me

one part levothyroxin
one part wellbutrin
three parts vitamins
three parts ibuprofen
one part cbd gummy

toss pills over shoulder and hope they absorb through the skin
likewise crush gummy into skin of wrist and pray it works

one part glucosamine
one part multi-vitamin
one spoonful of carnitine
three parts ibuprofen
one part sleep cbd gummy

toss pills against wall to ricochet into the ears
pour carnitine over the head and rub gummy into eyes and pray it works

one part major depressive disorder
one part anxiety disorder
one part autism spectrum disorder
one part arthritic joints
one part overactive immune system trying to kill off the healthy tissue
37 years of life

toss parts into a wishing well
and hope a whole person comes out

“What do you need?”

“Is there anything I can do for you?”

“What do you need?”

“Are you okay?”

“What do you need?”

What I need is impossible
There’s no use voicing it

“Is there anything I can do for you?”

I don’t know
I don’t know anymore
I don’t even know who would know
I don’t know how to even try to figure out
I don’t know

“What do you need?”

What I need cannot be picked up at the store
This is not a situation where a bandaid will help

“Are you okay?”

I have no idea
It changes from hour to hour
I’ve never seen myself like this
I have never been in something like this
I have no idea

“What do you need?”

I need brothers
Maybe that was why I dreamed
Of working in a restaurant two nights ago
I need brothers in arms
I need closeness
I need arms around my shoulders
I need the reassurance
That I can be exactly who I am
And exactly where I am
And there is nothing I need do

I need my brothers back

Sitting alone in a bar
Miles away from anywhere
I feel nails on the back of my neck
And the murmurs of a sultry voice
Whispering in my ear
I turn, but there is no one there

I look at the clock, half past midnight
I look at my phone, no service
I survey the weather scrolling by me, it is clear
I calculate the distance from here to home

I finish my beer
I get in the car
I’m redlining it all the way back
Back to my front porch and my front steps

I’m in the house by 2 am
Back for the first time in two weeks
I walk into my bedroom
She’s lying under the covers and curled on her side

I slip in with her
She’s surprised
Then relieved
Then kisses me on the mouth
I feel her nails in my hair
I hear her whisper in my ear

“I just knew you needed me baby,” I reply

Dear depression,

You fucking suck

I cannot count the number of casualties
I cannot even quantify the collateral damage
I cannot begin to add up the lost years
I cannot even fathom the billable hours
I cannot sift through the pills and treatments
I cannot properly express in any language
Just how terrible you are

You steal, maim, intimidate, and crush
You wrap your tendrils around hearts and minds
You keep people from seeing the truth
You twist sentences spoken in kindness into barbs
You use every dirty trick

Cancer can be excised
Infection medicated
Wounds cauterized

But you, are like a fungus
Crawling and invading and seeping in
An intelligent parasite slowly feeding on its host
Hiding in places no surgeon would dare go

I have lost good friends to you
I have lost heroes to you
I have lost years to you
I have lost good times with good people to you

In short, you are just the worst

I close out the world with my headphones
Shining as bright red as a tomato
So I can sustain my love
And also read my book
The lake before me shines like a mirror
The ripples dance with the wind

My hair is blowing with the wind
Despite my overly large headphones
From my bag I pull a mirror
And find my cheeks are now red as a tomato
Putting down my book
I tie back my hair with a band that I love

On the wind I hear the voice that I love
Cruelly brought to me by the wind
I try to return to my book
And coccoon myself again with my headphones
My whole face now red as a tomato
I see he and his now woman in my mirror

Despondent, I smash my mirror
This does not attract the object of my love
He jokes about his woman’s cheeks now red as a tomato
Touched by the same rough wind
I wish I couldn’t hear through the headphones
And raise my eyes to my book

I’ve forgotten where I am in my book
Beneath someone’s feet crunch pieces of mirror
There is a gentle tug on my headphones
I look up to see the face that I love
I had forgotten how beautiful his hair is in the wind
His lips red as a tomato

He offers me a tomato
Asks me about my book
Comments on the wind
Asks about the mirror
All I can say is, “Go away my love.”
Then I pull back on my headphones

I eat the tomato as into the ground he grinds the last bits of mirror
Back to my book as he walks away to love
There is finally a settling of the wind and I am shielded by my headphones

When I was a child
They always told me
The night is for sleeping

When I got older
I discovered
That wasn’t the only purpose

The night is for secrets
Told in the dark
Not to be burned by the sun

The night is for love
Whispered behind closed doors
So no interloper can encroach

The night is for music
Winding through the night
Wrapping everyone up in its beauty

The night is for dancing
To beats that we hear
To the tune of each other’s heart

The night is for dreaming
Deep dark dreams
Our best hopes and worst nightmares

And that is the only reason
As far as I can see
Why the night is for sleeping