The Poetry Marathon

i have built a wall around me

and i am living from within

wrapped myself up tight in the busy recesses of my own mind

set myself on auto pilot and i’m slowly checking out-

waiting for the walls to crumble.

tired of air seeping in

but dutifully and uncontrollably i inhale it-

tense, sweet, stifling-

i breathe anyway-

sometimes holding the exhale as long as i can

before i have to draw up again-

suck up that cool breeze called air-inhale the life i need so desperately-

i breathe anyway.

i have tried to contain the demons marching around my heart

calling me into the darkness-

i have pulled myself up out of the mire many days

and resurrected the smile i used to carry-

keep in my pocket like a ray of sunshine and hope

but the tide came too far ashore

and pulled the sand out from under my feet

now i sit contemplating how high this wall has grown-

how deep this pit has become-

but i breathe anyway.

i have tried to call in the calvary-

to claim my stake with the romeos of the past

but each one faded into the sidewalk and got covered over

with busy lives and untold schemes;

carrying in their backpacks little pieces of my heart-

some owning bigger chunks than others-

silently retreating to their own guilded corners of the world.

did they care at all?

do they even know that i’m inside these walls crumbling piece by piece?

oozing into the deep dark earth like time-

disappearing way too fast –

and i breathe anyway.

i have looked to friends-

to the faces of my sister/friends who think i am the life of the party-

who keeps them laughing when i’m broken inside;

i have screamed it from the rooftops-

gone banging on doors in the middle of the night

crying for my sanity-

pleading for the calm quiet to begin

but the peace snubbed its nose at me and waved its middle finger-

and look at me-

i breathed anyway.

holding onto a psychotic illusion-

a fantasy gone wild-

living under the guise that one day i’ll be happy

and free with no need to breathe at all.

i carve out intricate pieces of you-

a twinkling eye

a chiseled jaw

a strong hand

two long legs

i melt your pieces together

make you whole again

the way you make me when i’m with you.

i cry

you dry

i wait

you take

i talk

you walk

i watch

you scotch

i listen

you diss’n

then you cry

i dry

you wait

i take

you talk

i walk

you watch

i scotch

you listen

me diss’n

you fly

i die.

i tell myself that you are blissfully happy

i breathe that mantra into my lungs

like air

to keep me away from the phone

away from the memories

i tell myself that you have everything you need

exactly where you are and that your space is full-

even crowded without me.

i inhale the moments when i thought you were

life itself-

and quickly remember the hours when you brought death to me.

i remember still that you couldn’t articulate it well

but in some small corner light bloomed and i’ll never forget

that day;

the moment i understood,

the moment i separated truth from illusion-

the moment i felt myself falling-

through time and space-

through earth’s door.

i remember how it felt-

bundled and full but

empty and unraveled all at the same time.

blissfully happy is the mantra i tell myself-

you have everything you need

exactly where you are-

and that your space is full-

even crowded without me.

there is little to be said for the end of things

much to be felt but very little to be said

no excuses to render that will justify

no amount of apology or special gift

there is nothing one can do to fill the

giant empty space you left in the soul

of someone you used to love

no springtime flowers can drive out the scent of loneliness

or enough witty banter to replace the heart-to-heart

that used to overwhelm their world

and in the end you learn

it isn’t how you got here

it’s what you learned in the process.

in my perfect world-

you are as dark as i am light

the difference is as clear as black and white

but the inside of me

sees the true color of you

and you become the same as me;

not just when under attack with bombs bursting in air

but on the subway and at the market-

when we are at the fair or running a marathon;

we can hear each other breathe

slow even breaths

and there is no difference between us-

you are as loved as i am.

they say she’s sick

cuz she leaves her windows open

when it’s cold outside-

curtains blowing in the wind;

lost her husband and kids all grown-

they pat my head and say leave her ‘lone

but she fascinates me with

her silver blue hair always tied in a bun.

she told me once she’s come undone

and she has to nap from one to three just to put her shoes on her feet,

i have no idea what she means but i smile

and go back to my house.

II

they say she’s crazy

cuz she piles up trash in cardboard boxes on her porch

while she swats at flies with a dingy hankie-

small hands and wrinkled skin,

she looks so sad so i try to make conversation with her.

she tells me she’s come undone

that her whole world is gone and she doesn’t know why

they left her here.

i have no idea what she means and i walk back to my house

wondering if she was happy i even stopped.

III

They say she’s lonely

cuz she talks out loud when no one’s there

and she rocks for hours as if that is her day’s work.

in raggedy slippers and her housecoat,

with arms folded-

in the middle of winter she sits there with her windows open

curtains blowing in the wind

trash piled up in cardboard boxes-

swatting flies;

i don’t know why they left me here she yells

over and over again;

but now i understand,

she really has come undone.

i have always been happiest at the water’s edge-

whenever i am overlooking a turquoise ocean

i come to life and feel open to the universe

like i feel in no other place.

i inhale and let the warm winds blow through my nostrils and my hair-

i let go and allow myself to exhale.

speedboats race by in front of me-

seagulls fly overhead-

i am open to the universe here-

ready and amazed with all of God’s creations.

He is here-

in small fish-

in colored glass-

in flowers i’ve never seen.

He is in the hillsides and on the mountaintops-

here at the water’s edge He reminds me that He is alive and well.

can i get away to you?

hide in the tall dark brown

to close my eyes and remember

sunny days and long conversations

that lasted into the night

spent vocalizing nothing much

but feeling quite satisfied when it was over.

always wishing it could go on just

a little while longer

always  all ways

pulling away before the fire starts careful not to burn

and sometimes lingering a few minutes too long

just to feel the heat

as if testing to see if it still exists-

it always will

always  all ways.

can i get away to you?

Just to hide in the tall dark brown

to close my eyes and remember

sunny days and long conversations

that lasted into the night-

spent vocalizing nothing much

but feeling quite satisfied when it was over.

i will unlock the door that has been closed

i will free the monsters and the butterflies trying to escape

they will scare and beautify-

make some feel intimidated

while others will leap for joy.

i will bear my naked truths-explicitly

and you will all wonder who i really am.

you will dissect my soul as if i asked you to

when i merely needed to release-

to unburden myself,

free myself from the weight that i carry around in my head-

my neck, my shoulders, my heart, my stomach,

my legs and my thighs.

i will let it all go out from this secret place

and spread it all across the pages of my books-

until i can really feel-

really love again.