The Poetry Marathon

bittersweet ending
wounds bled deep in healing form
words poured out like rain
blood and water flowing down
mixing and taking new shape

No one ever said learning to love yourself would be easy. It actually seems to me possibly the hardest thing I have ever done. That’s saying a lot from a rape survivor, someone who has placed two children for adoption, has been a victim of different forms of abuse over the years and has dealt with loss & heartache/break in many forms, many more times than she can count. To say that learning to love myself is the hardest things I’ve ever done is HUGE. I don’t say it lightly. I’ve had to unlearn so many lies I have told myself over the years, either that others have instilled or planted or gone along with or played into, or that have manifested from different events in my life that have spurred them to light, boring themselves into my head, taking up residence and getting so comfortable that truth became foreign, weird, incorrect and even seemingly lies, to me. I have had an off picker when it comes to relationships. I have chosen people who were incapable of loving me the way I needed to, deserved to, or even realized I could actually be loved. I sabotaged myself over and over not only choosing wrong but by subconsciously telling myself it was right because then I didn’t have to hold anyone accountable for not being able to love me, seeing as I couldn’t even love myself. They didn’t have to take responsibility for anything that happened because I took on all of the blame every time, whether it was placed on me or I shouldered it willingly. Never did I hold someone accountable for how they treated me, spoke to me, used me, mislead me, walked all over me or abandoned me. I took the blame. There had to be something wrong with me, not them. I was the problem and needed to fix myself, but instead of working on focusing on me, I just continued to invest in helping others to fix themselves and in turn continued to unfix myself to the point of not knowing if I was even fixable anymore. As if fixing others would somehow banish my need to fix myself anyway. That I could save myself through saving others. I lost all love I may have had for myself. I can’t pinpoint exactly when it happened either, or if it was simply a gradual over time progression of one thing after another that just kept me down and berated and feeling not enough or unworthy of genuinely finding love and compassion without judgment from someone who would truly choose me back, without my having to convince them I was worth it. I’ve always given so much, tried everything in my power, gone to the ends of myself in every way possible, to make others happy. I never considered my own happiness or that maybe pursing making others happy would deter mine even further, stunting my emotional growth for so long and making me feel like I was unlovable at every turn when it ended. And it always ended. You can’t love yourself when you surround yourself with people who don’t love you, who can’t love you, who will never love you and/or are even incapable of loving themselves. I had to learn that the hard way. And not just once. Or a dozen times….but over, and over, and over again. The fixer had to finally become the fixee. To come to the end of herself and have nothing left but herself. Learning to love myself again has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Ultimately, it was the most worth fighting for. I had to learn to fight for myself before I could expect or even be able to have the knowledge to properly select someone who would also fight for me. Now that the love has returned though, I can finally see myself for who I am: someone who is loved, lovable, loving, so worthy of love and on a mission to spread love to others effectively now that she has once again learned to love herself.

Fully going after all that I know I deserve

Ever so purposefully striving towards my best

Allowing myself to grow, process, & learn

Righting my wrongs, forgiving others as well as myself

Focusing on what I can control & not worrying about what I can’t

Understanding that life is a journey & that I must continue forward

Learning that FEARFUL doesn’t mean don’t do it, it means face it head on

sometimes my brain hurts
too many thoughts taking hold
sense it does make not

sometimes i wonder if anyone has actually seen me
i know with obvious senses they have
whether through sight, smell, taste or touch
but have they SEEN me
the parts that sometimes aren’t what they appear
the parts they have to engage
look for
dust off
uncover
to clear cobwebs from
that no one has looked for in a long while
possibly ever
the very best parts of me that have been packed away
waiting
in the attic way up high & the basement down below
waiting to be discovered
they were packed away long ago when they kept getting forgotten
when people stopped looking for them
if they even ever did before giving up if it became a challenge to look harder
the actual search required too much effort
keeping only what pieces out that were needed or beneficial
the rest got stashed
the best things
the most valuable
the ones that got overshadowed
that went unused
the best parts
they got put in boxes, on shelves, behind closet doors & inside cabinets
stored away in hopes that one day they would be found or needed
when i ask if anyone has seen me
the real question might be
how long has it been
since i have seen myself
since i have allowed myself the opportunity to be seen
to be unpacked
unearthed
opened
how much have i simply allowed myself & others to put me in boxes
boxes i never belonged in to begin with

Robert Frost
I’m a little bit lost
When the road did diverge
I chose straight, not merge

the unlikeliest of people
brought together somehow
final results that have yet to be seen
a band of life misfits
both low & high brow
what wisdom from each could they glean

some were quite candid
while others were shy
differences ranging south, east, north, & west
all somehow put here
to figure out why,
how, where, when they could be their best

to work as a team
or to battle it out
were the choices of all that were there
to live with indifference
or to love without doubt
to listen, to honor, to care

this cornucopia of hearts
somehow bad mixed with good
would cause turmoil, destruction, & pain
if they didn’t seek out
to do all that they could
to come together soul, body, & brain

discovering that each
had gifts they possess
that when blended could merit great things
learning to celebrate their differences
somehow encourage & not stress
realizing that with harmony community sings

all separate entities
working in sync
to make up a body of warrior hearts
journeying together
somehow bound link to link
though each unique in their own special parts

tiny little hands
ten toes curl then open slow
a sweet yawn escapes
my heart overflows with love
at the miracle i made

pink nose, black lips
sweet ball of fur
stripes & solids, bright green eyes
contented little purr

by my side through thick & thin
almost eleven years
since six weeks old, you have been here
through the laughter & the tears

i can tell you anything
secrets you hold tight
whispered softly in your ear
on many a lonely night

snuggles & cuddles, licks & bites
often at the exact same time
whether you’re snoring or meowing loud
i’m so grateful to call you mine

you love me like no other has
though sometimes you can be a brat
i don’t care, i love you still
you’ll always be my favorite cat

the ethreal sunlight flows down through the deep blue glass
cascading brilliantly across my face
i smile
close my eyes tightly
basking in the warmth shining below
soaking in the rays as they dance on my cheeks
glittering beneath the surface
i crave this
it beckons to me
calls me upward
i rise towards it to unmask my face from the still surface
breaking the barrier between wet & dry
emerging as the droplets roll down
my face now met with air & sun
my lungs fill & I close my eyes once again
lifting my chin towards the fire in the sky
feeling the current beneath & the wind above
held briefly between two worlds
allowing the beams to radiate on my skin
to permeate my soul
to fill up my heart
i soak it all in
as the glistening begins to fade beyond the horizon
the last trace bouncing off my tail
as i dive deep into the darkness
back to the world below
until the next rising
when i shall bask again
in the light