The Poetry Marathon

Joy is fleeting

rarely seen

I have no true recollection of it

possibly of content

it seems overrated

like an experience to have

not hold

not one to be

not one that stays

I am weary of drifters.

I have come to know and understand

my darkness.

It’s my neighbor

sometimes it comes over and bathes with me

drinks tea

and makes me reflect on the things I need to work on

within myself

Sometimes I welcome it

and other times

I shut it out

scream at it

tell it to leave me alone

and it does

for a little while

but always returns to see if its missed

to see if it can teach me a little bit more

about people that I don’t need in my life

it sends demons by

to glance me over

to trick me into acceptance of making more room

for it

It prefers me by myself

I don’t know what I’m like without it

Joy is a tease

a toxic false fleeting emotion

that stays only long enough for a sip

its harder to know

to understand

its too bright

and I work with the lights off

A demon called out to me

years ago

I felt its nails trace down my back

tauntingly

my brain shakes now

its overresponding

to something

approaching

as I lay awake, I feel

my health starting to unravel

but I ignore it

with the slightest tug

I strip away concern

for this deep pain

I harbor inside

One night I felt something trying to pull me out

of this body

and I panicked

kicked my legs and fought

only to see nothing

Next time, I will probably give it permission

to see what it will devour of me

I tire

of my kids

on somedays

I want to keep them safe

I can’t

I put them first

but lack the emotional ability to provide

they push my boundaries

casting shadows over my own memories

of self

I’m too busy trying to provide

its unnatural

what I am expected to be

in this world

I ache when I respond with lack of regard

and offer apologies

and hugs

but never enough.

what makes a parent toxic?

I crave the texture of crushed ice

the cold

it snuggles me

When I run out

I dream of it at night

I never tire of it

it gives me a welcome kick

calms my neuroticism

Ancestral Curses

probably started before my great aunt

was born

I wonder if she knew as a little girl

she would only stay for a little while

forced to yield

her virginity

to a man’s heels

then have her light

drained violently

I imagine dinner that night

Her first night not home

I imagine the loss

100 years later

and I grieve for my great grandparents

Our bloodline divides

Competes

Passes judgement

Deflects

Projects

so I say no

to 90% of the invitations I receive

I have no desire to be anywhere

near

being with myself is the greatest peace

I’ve been told you can grow from love

no matter

which part of it you are holding

I was on the giving end

rocking through manipulation

relationships so pale they glowed

a half vanishing dilemma

teaching me that one can also grow from pain

Packing lighter

harder to unravel

no longer fearful of missing out

I long to give up everything

there are no comforting excuses for anyone’s behavior

that makes me tear out a page

of myself

I knew I had to eliminate something

so I told my children stories

so they could see my human

and not hold me to the sky

I tell them to place my feet on the dirt road next to yours

allow me to stand in the shade with you

let the air wrap around us four

like a hug

I am just like you

We are in a moment

that will pass soon enough

see me as someone

you can hold understanding for

At one time

it was super tough

and words were my only rescue

On Open Mic poetry night

I gave the audience

a close up

to my behind the scenes

I inherited my mother’s story

believing mine would end up differently

I learned somewhere to place the sugar cubes between my teeth

it can make anything bitter taste better

so I did

I stumbled into masking

the lie

sipped it in

by default I didn’t tell anyone the truth

but I didn’t lie either

suffering more from my thoughts

than circumstances

anything you hide comes out

eventually

so feel the energy

and give that experience a name

Joy is soundproof

eyes that smile

halfway closed

lips lift cheeks

teeth peek

as your diaphragm heaves

in and out

stress is relieved

its easy to spread

like a virus

its contagious and rhythmically free

its the best medicine

to boost enjoyment

its daily on my things to do list

Fish that can’t swim

is proof that nothing has to be done gracefully

I imagine other fish telling it

take all the time that you need

jokingly

just continue,

everything doesn’t have to move in a straight line

Mama poured her inner sweetness into it

she was intentional in creating warm memories

she added just enough sugar and butter

to give it the perfect taste

I loved cold mornings in elementary school

It didn’t matter cause even when her heart was breaking

she took care of us

providing us with combed heads, clean clothes and something warm and tasty to eat

She grew us up right

Never letting us leave her sight with an empty belly