I Long For

My mind has not been a haven for me for the longest,
Had the lights out and learnt that the human mind,
It can be its own horror story.
I continue to fuel the fire to my mental purgatory.
Be welcomed by Sadness,
Hook-up with Heartbreak,
And sleep with Regret.
And fight over Joy with Anger.
Repeat this cycle over and over like the playlist you play,
When someone breaks you.

My mind has not been a paradise for me,
It has been the breeding ground for doubt and a home for my demons.
Dressed as friends after I failed to throw them out,
So they agreed to let me stay since they were willing to share their home.
But every night after playing keep-away with my dreams I lose a part of myself,
I find myself lost in it every night,
When the calls are ended, the lights are off,
And my thoughts are turned on.

I wish I could find myself in my own home,
But this house I called home is anything but.
I wish I could evict all the terrors and finally return,
So I stop pitching tents in the hearts of people that are overbooked as it is,
With people that come for their hearts but stay for their souls.
So their heartstrings intertwine and their souls tie.
So I can stop wandering the lonely streets at night even though they are filled with people.
Stop spending nights on the streets with people that call them home.
Because I can never settle for someone who cannot stay in the same place for a long time.
I want peace, serenity, and consistency.

To stop having to close my eyes to see the girl of my dreams,
Imagining perfect in a place so chaotic,
Because it makes me fall for the damaged thinking my damaged nature can create a whole.
Let my eyes see the truth in reality and stop breaking itself in imagination,
And open my eyes and search for her,
So I know if dreams come true and know,
Whether my heart or mind has influenced my taste in women.

But I have taken depression out of my life equation,
But anger, sadness, and loneliness still equal mood swings,
And I still fail to control those.
They divide my lifespan,
Add on to my life’s problems,
And subtract more people from my life,
As they multiply in my mind.
I long for joy, not happiness.
Because happiness is temporary and I have to rely on people,
For people to give me my scheduled fix of happiness.

I have waged war on my demons for too long,
Tried to make them acquaintances,
But my head cannot house a halo as it grows a pair of horns.
I search for purpose as I remove my toxicity from my being,
Eradicate my flaws by accepting them,
And seeing them as perfect,
Because, I need to clear my mind and start afresh,
Clear out the old couple pictures,
Leave my aspirations.
And unlock all the doors.
I long to be free,
I long to be me.

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