Crawling all over the trees all day
Making nature documentarians frown
And amazingly, doing the whole thing
While hanging upside down

This paragon of slow and steady
Has recently sped up
And now it’s felt the need for speed
I doubt it’ll ever stop

Its devouring all the choicest fruits
Its swift grasping claws can find
And not just its limbs are fast,
It can also move its mind

It’s learnt to read, begun War and Peace
It found Dickens a bit to dreary
In Academia its halfway there
To finding a way to solve string theory.

Its now the fastest herbivore on land
And its mastery of climbing
Means that its got the height advantage
And its got the monkeys whining

Now its fast enough to get there first
And grab the choicest dinner
There’s not enough left for the other chaps
The chimpanzees are getting thinner

We’re close to an ecological collapse
The cascade is on the edge
We have one chance to stop this now
So everyone must make this pledge

I know you thought it would be funny
I don’t want to be a pain
But for the love of God you guys
Stop giving Sloths Cocaine!!!