My name isn’t Sam.

I won’t pester you to eat

Foods that have somehow managed to survive years beyond their shelf life.

I won’t ask you to do silly things like give mice cookies or milk in glasses.

Instead, I’ll invite you to come spend days in the sun

A day with me and you’ll understand the pleasantness of sharing farmer’s tans.

I won’t beg you to go on trips all over,

Instead, I’ll invite you to shovel stalls filled with poo

And I’ll show you the time you ever had-

With a horse under your ass.

Yep, hang with me and you will see-

This is life as it’s meant to be-

And it’s better than any kid’s story could possibly be!