Hi, my name is [screech cough cough gag]

I am a cryptid

a nocturnal shapeshifter

many think I don’t exist

but, um, hello, hi?

 

Welcome to my cave—

urhm, do you mind taking off your shoes?

Yes! That’s my comic book collection

Have you read this one?

No, I highly recommend their work,

top notch character development

and the illustrations are to die for!

 

Oops [accidently slaps interviewer and knocks over a lamp]

I don’t actually open the wings very often.

Sometimes they just, you know,

spring right open when I get excited or upset—

where are my manners!

Would you like something to drink?

 

It’s been so long since I’ve had company.

[turns on wall torch, sound of running water]

My cavemates do most of the decorating

They’re [whispers] daylight creatures,

I try to keep it down [gestures with one formidable claw]

You like?

The kitchen is just to die for!

[wings spring open, knocks kettle off the stove]

Ugh, I am such a clutz!

 

[sitting down in an armchair for tea and a plate of cookies]

So, ask away! What would you like to learn about me?

You think you can come into this cave

And try to get a rise out of me!

Well, doesn’t that beat all!

It’s always, “Can I see your fangs?”

“Where do you put the bodies?”

“How do you *whispers* ‘do it’?”

[sigh] No one ever asks about my hobbies.

It’s time for you to go. Why?

[stands up to full height, speaks with the booming voice of 100 creatures]

I find you rude, I am suddenly very hungry,

And I just cleaned this carpet.

 

[interviewer leaves a string of apologies on their race to the door]

Score! Papa’s got a new pair of shoes.

 

[Distant cavemate: [SHRIEK COUGH COUGH GAG] Can you please keep it down! Not everybody’s nocturnal]

 

END SCENE