***This piece was cobbled together from a series of random words and phrases that were pulled from a mystery bag.***

The words/phrases were:

• Autumn All Stars
• Magic Organizing Tricks Mess be Gone Poo
• Because Science Matters! Exit
• Kick Some
• Signature Baking calls for a Signature Ingredient

 

OCCULT-Os

pairs well with goat milk

Cauldron: 665.9 on 10 Minutes                                                                                              Yield: 1 Bowl of Occult-Os

Signature baking calls for a signature ingredient:

1 CUP SPIRIT ASH

 Collect spirit ash. To do this, use your ritual knife to conjure a low level ghost. Shear off bits of rattling chain or flowing garments (if it is a modern male ghost, we recommend taking off some of the unnecessary facial hair). Be sure NOT to get any ectoplasmic goo on you (it stains worse than bleach and burns the wicked, we know what you do when you think no one is looking)

Kick some of your spirit ash into a bowl (yes kick) and mix with a tablespoon of garlic. Make sure you wash your hands well before re-entering your magickal working kitchen. This is not for ritual purity, rather this is because germs are very real and we use science with our magick because science matters (unless you’re an anti-vax dullard).

Next you will need:

1 PINT SQUATCH TEARS

Squatch tears, or ‘Squears’ as they’re sometimes called, can be acquired after a good ribbing of a bigfoot. Also, be careful not to roast the bigfeets too hard, as they do get their feelings hurt and that’s not very nice (also, they WILL tear off your limbs like the dainty, dainty flower petals they are) it is advised, even after a good natured ribbing, to sprint back to your house/cave shouting back (don’t worry about being all complex here, Merlin) hexes to keep them at bay.

Leave Squears on a simmer (low-medium here, Ramsay).Add in two pinches of tumeric and even more garlic for flavor (but not too much there, Barefoot Contessa, or you’ll make the dish taste like Olive Garden leftovers pulled from a sink disposal unit).

Third, you’re gonna want to add:

5 AUTUMN ALL STARS HAIRS

Far be they from mystical beings, Autumn All Stars are your local 4H knockoff group. To avoid kidnapping, we recommend a LIGHT amount of chloroform (we mean it Dahmer) and a QUICK tweezing with magickal tweezers. DO NOT try their special Autumn Star Pie. It is HIGHLY addictive and you WILL resort to escalating crimes to feed your addiction and you WILL go to jail (you will be like a great pie junky, but instead of losing teeth or picking your skin to bits, you will get so fat and we WILL post mean things about you on social media.)

And now, it’s time for the final ingredient (don’t wet yourself):

 

1 DEMON POO

To collect, attend several exorcisms during October (what, do you think you’re the magickal Marco Pierre White, starting this in the Summer?) and wait for one of the exorcised to pop one out in defiance of God and the Church (puking is so 1980s). Collect said poo in our patented ‘Demon Mess be Gone’ Tupperware brand containers (if you put it in saran wrap, you deserve whatever happens to you) and take it back to your magickal ritual space. Combine poo, Simmered Squears and hairs with ash while reciting the magickal ritual (you shouldn’t even have to look at the book once. Do your homework next time, occult Ferris Bueller.) Add garlic. Salt for taste. Blood from finger. Pour mixture into tall, skull glass and spoon down while laughing maniacally. (don’t go all skeletor though, nerd.)

Use one of our patented magic organizing tricks to clean up. (If you leave the kitchen a mess, we will crawl from these pages and curse you and your lineage down to your cat.)