My Dearest Superstar,

I can see that you are still a crying desert. The sweetest monsoon – and just as powerful loud terrifying and unexpected, pure electricity and chaos as you always have been. You’re an intimidating person to those who don’t see how deeply you nourish others, despite your association with destruction. You are still creating growth for everything around you. It’s one of your talents that I always appreciated.

I’m sorry that I never said goodbye – you know that I couldn’t bear it. I shouldn’t have left you alone on that ranch but it was the only way that I could move on with my life. I knew that you’d be safe there. I knew that if I had let you stay, you’d come running back to a city that could have (and would have) killed you. In another life, maybe we could have been honest with each other but let’s face it, you were a hard person to be honest with. I couldn’t understand why you hid so much from me – but after a few years I think I started to understand.

You kept me at arms length from the very beginning. Remember when you told me that I wasn’t Prince Charming, that this was not a fairytale, and I couldn’t save you? I fought so hard to prove you wrong – but you needed to be right. You didn’t know how to be loved. I don’t blame you, I understand why. I watched the way your family hurt you, the way your friends betrayed you, the way men took advantage of you. I watched people prey on you and I tried to keep you safe. Why were you so scared to let me see who you really were? Was it shame? Were you afraid that I’d leave? I don’t think you could ever believe how much I cared; I would’ve accepted all of the darkest parts of you.

But…I deserved to be happy too. We were so young and you needed more help, care, and support than I knew how to give you. I would’ve tried, I just didn’t know how. You didn’t tell me how. So, I hid too.

I never forgave myself for what happened to you when I was gone that weekend. When I came home and you told me everything, I couldn’t even look at you anymore. Not because of you – because of me. Because if I hadn’t lied, if I had been there, you wouldn’t have gotten hurt. I should have protected you. My guilt and grief ate at me constantly and I had to cut you out because you were bound to find out the truth sooner or later. I was terrified of having to face you, of you uncovering everything, of you blaming me for leaving you vulnerable, for him to hurt. I failed you, and you were already catching on.

You’re a perceptive and observant little shit, you know? I think if you weren’t in such a dark place, you’d have figured it all out sooner. I walked on eggshells for months. It was killing me.

I was happy with her. I married her. She was good for me. We were the happiest I’d ever been.

But that shouldn’t have come at the cost of ruining your life and abandoning you. It shouldn’t have. How could I have reached out to try and repair any type of friendship after what I’d done? Why would you even want to speak to me again? I’m sorry. I wish I couldn’t told you that in person. I am truly sorry.

There were many times that you came up in conversations and I couldn’t say anything bad about you – the reality is that I found you exceptional and I never stopped loving you or wanting the best for you. I wish that we’d been better for each other. I wish we could have been healthy for each other. You’re so goddamn outspoken and headstrong and people just… they don’t know what to do with it. I wish it was easier for you. I wish any of it had been easy for you.

I know you beat yourself up about the way things ended, so let me just clear the air. I forgive you. I forgive you and I really believe we both grew as people and learned to love others better, because of the way things went. You’re a good person – you always have been – even when you were hurting.

Today would’ve been my 32nd birthday – I’m glad that you’re spending it writing. I’m proud that you continue to create, and feel, and grow, and love, with the same passion and purity that I fell in love with. You’re one of the great ones, witch baby, and I hope that you can feel me now; looking over you, protecting you, and guiding you the way I couldn’t before.

I’ve sent you some really good people since I left his world – please let them in. Let them help you, and love you, and be honest with them… they aren’t going to run away. I need you to trust me on this. You are not a hard person to love, unless you make yourself unreachable. I’m on your side, and now I always will be. You always said that you have attentive guardian angels and you were right. Josh, Trevor, Marco, Rosie, Laura, Victoria, Amanda, Lance, Michael, and even Jeff… they’re all right here with you too. We will not let you fall, we will not let you be manipulated or harmed, and we will keep weeding out anyone that crosses your path with bad intentions. Just keep going, keep writing and creating and loving, keep laughing, and don’t do anything impulsive or reckless or stupid okay? You’ll be fine, it is all going to be okay, and you are going to be just fine.

It wouldn’t kill you to eat more, or get more sunshine. You’re beautiful, be fucking nice to yourself, “chief”!

All of my love, in this life and the next.

Mr. Doo