Quiet yourself and grow smaller
One pill makes you larger
The pill you tell men that you cannot take
Protection comes in so many forms
Like a wallflower trying not to be seen
To be plucked pulled cut at the root

I don’t dye my hair blue anymore because people will stare
I want to be seen in a bedroom
I want to be seen in a home
Doors shut tightly locked double locked
Check the locks again to be sure 

Being cut off – I hate it
Let me finish let me complete a
Nevermind I didn’t have anything to say
Anyway
I am decoration I am a brass hanging lamp unlit
You talk too much fill your mouth with something
Harder
Wetter
Sweeter
Alcoholic
I drink too much please don’t notice
Point out jutting clavicles and silence

I wanted to be an angel; a muse
Don’t you see they took the shiny parts
Took the lightning and thunder
Like a sorry excuse for LA rainstorms
I used to make windows rattle but at least
Now I’m a safer drive 

I belong in a gutter, no that’s my mother talking
Listen to Radiohead and leave this body
This cage this trap this neon sign
If there was a green pill I’d name it control
Make it mine
Take it every day like Paxil
Will this make it easier
Will this make me ok

I can’t shake the sore throat the fever dreams
Wake up silent scream drenched in sweat
4 missed calls from heaven but hell is in my bed
Throat chakra
Thyroid test
Get some rest
Like I could ever stop moving
Stillness is an enemy
Silence is a ghost

I grow big and small
My namesake accurate when clouds are thick
Keep getting sick
People worry
Guilt hangs heavy I still fight to stand
Can’t demand change with a
Missing voice box
If you find it can you wind it up
Went from center stage
To choir mouse need to blend
Can’t defend my absence
When they come they turn the tv off
It’s too bright a 27 year old shouldn’t sleep with the lights on
But it’s not my place, is it
The space you visit
Mausoleum of baggy clothes

I chose this but I’m scared of what
People think
Family thinks
Two more drinks and maybe your friends will like me
Too young to wear leather
Overnight became too old
Days of bold displays
Left right when hope did
Shame leaves me painted into the decor
Pining first nothing more
Than to go to IKEA
Embrace the idea that I’m worth more
Than furniture 

One day I’ll feel at home
One day chocolate sunflowers will bloom me in their center
I will surrender behind this steel wall
Stay here where it feels automatic
The traumatic thoughts aren’t real
Another projection
Broken kill switch
And I know she took it with her
Don’t bother
It’s a fight you cannot win
Bleeding knuckles
I wish I was less Fight Club
More Dirty Dancing
They like me best in a corner

Wallflower, growing up home
that didn’t feel mine
Time costs more than moods swing
Pendulum girl koi fish
Swimming circles in Perrier and Cabernet
Top down top off
Drop a house on me
Tell me I’m not bad