My daughter channeled Ethel Merman

when she was little. She

barked out her observations in

decibel levels capable of cutting through any acoustic barrier and

with such delight that during those days

I would have dared anyone to be around her and

remain serious.

 

SCENE: Grocery Store

AMELIA and MAMA stand in checkout counter with WOMAN CUSTOMER ONE, WOMAN CUSTOMER TWO, TEEN GIRL CUSTOMER ONE, MAN CUSTOMER ONE.

AMELIA: Mama, I just love your BIG SMOOSHY BUTT! [rubs face in MAMA’s bottom]

<End Scene>

 

SCENE: Restaurant

AMELIA and MAMA sit at a small table in center of dining room surrounded by WOMAN PATRON ONE, WOMAN PATRON TWO, TEEN GIRL PATRON ONE, MAN CUSTOMER ONE.

AMELIA: Mama, what color is our VULVA? [ed. note: she means Volvo, the family car. it is green.]

<End Scene>

 

Now we are both older.

My hearing is bad. I

bark out my caustic observations oblivious to their decibel level

and my daughter is horrified.

 

SCENE: Cocktail Lounge

AMELIA and MAMA sit at the bar next to WOMAN DRINKER ONE, WOMAN DRINKER TWO, UNDER AGED DRINKER ONE, MAN DRINKER ONE.

MAMA: That man is LOOKING AT YOU.

AMELIA: Mom, you are talking really loud.

MAMA: NO I’M NOT. AM I?

AMELIA: Mom, do you think this is funny?

<End Scene>