The place I am truly myself


“Closets are a big deal inside a house, but also metaphorically. One can be in the closet, or come out of it, for example, But they are also places of safety and joy for small children, or where a monster is lurking, depending on the small child, and/or time of day.”

The place where I am most truly myself-
where I sing loud, not caring if I miss the notes and tones
The place no one hears me or looks upon me with ‘judgy’ eyes
The place where I think I can win an Oscar for my notes,
The place where I look in the mirror to practice my speeches
The place where I applaud myself for my braveness.
The place I reveal my initial fears and start to overcome them,
The place where I start to nurture the thought of letting the world see my amazing colours
The place I gain confidence before letting this inner child out to the cruel world.

As a child I was scared of the dark.
As an adult, I found myself always seeking the quietness it came with.
As a child I thought monsters were hidden in the corners waiting for me to step in at night
As an adult, I see that the monsters live outside, waiting to shred every bit of me

This is my haven
This is the place I am most truly myself. I’d rather be here than anywhere
I’d rather glow in the darkness of its safety that reveal myself to the light in the world
I’d rather fill this place with my colours till I’m ready to show the world




Eneke the bird

African myths have many stories of birds loving rest time
Loving the taste of worms and insects, and coming down for them.
Eneke the bird has learnt to do the extraordinary

Eneke the bird says that since men have learned to shoot without missing, he has learned to fly without perching”. Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart.
Long ago in the African kingdom, the birds were commoners, easy sports for hunters
Their little ones served as snacks for bigger animals of the sky. The young and able-bodied were snacks for men. The ones that managed it into old age were left with many dead relatives, struggling to navigate life.

Now there is no room for sloppiness
The bird has learned to soar the air, knowing not to perch
The bird has learnt to remain on the move explore the sky more and leave land for men

What is love when it’s one sided?

what is love when it’s one-sided?
What is love if you’re not appreciated?
what is love when you feel like the journey is just yours?
What is this kind of love on rainy days?
In the heat? On bad days?
What is love when it’s one-sided?

A frustrating life of an adult

The juicer whirrs as I hum. Nothing in particular sits in my head.
I throw another chunk of beet into the blender.
Confirming from the recipe book, I add some cinnamon
The juice whirrs up to the top, red foamy juice splashes on my pink jacket.
What is left of the juice gets upturned by my tremor. I hold my hand, stroking from elbow to wrist, elbow to wrist
The lightbulb overheard goes on and off, on and off, signalling a low electrical power unit.
Just when I think adulthood is done with me, it says not yet.

I walk into the garage to get a torch.
As I step into the garage- my carport with a fence. My leg locates a bucket forgotten after a car wash
My car stares at me like a displeased elk and then it goes wailing. I sit on the floor and cry.

A reminisce of love that brings heartbreak



Listening to “On the Nature of Daylight” by Max Richter.

There is an image of you I love
You are dancing in the garden, just right after checking on the plants
Planting a kiss on my forehead, you spin me in the air
The air smells of summer and sunshine and peace
Peace is how I describe those times.

There is a memory of you that remains unclear
Unclear because I do not remember if you had an apron on
On the island I sat, waiting as you counted down the seconds to the oven alarm
Alarmed, you ran to get the oven mitt before you pulled out the cake
Cakes are reminders that I once had my heart loved beyond bounds

Memories of our running around. Memories of catch and hide and seek. Your love has made my life well-lived
You lived as an angel in human body, spreading your love like wings to touch everyone
And everyone may try but they’ll never be the angel you were.

“A heart that’s broken is a heart that’s been loved”
Loved. I’ve touched the emotion, now it is a thing of the past.
In the past, you sang me lullaby’s, gave me hugs and a thousand kisses
Kisses that brought good dreams
Same dreams I now force myself to have playing Ed Sheeran’s ‘Supermarket flowers’
Supermarket flowers are a reminder of the fake flowers people dropped at your rest side
A side of my heart feels thorn that we cannot go back
Back to when my memories were joyful moments happening

I thought we’d grow old side-by side
I thought we’d coo at my children and laugh at their baby jokes
Side-by-side was the goal
But you slipped away when I wasn’t looking

Yellow is such a happy colour

Yellow is such a happy colour
You pick up the sunflower and I imagine how the room will take on a glad colour with it
You pay the florist and we walk out of the stall.

In the next stall, you pick up a yellow-knitted shawl. again you say it as you smile
“Yellow is such a happy colour”
I hear the baby chuckle as it is wrapped in it

You raise one of the palettes, pointing at the colour
You choose it for the nursery
Yellow is such a happy colour
I can imagine sitting there with the baby wrapped in love as we bond

You tell me you want the child named ‘Daffodil’ or ‘Sunflower’. You say that the flower are beautiful and you know she will be too
We just did a gender reveal and you chose yellow for female, purple for male
When the colour sailed up to the sky, you danced in it and cried
Yellow is such a happy colour

When I am asked who my yellow is, I do not need to think too much
Your soul flutters and spreads so much love. Your eyes bulge and expand when you are surprised
Even the sun copies the yellow-dazzle from you.
I also imagine that yellow is synonymous with happiness when they ask because like you always say:
Yellow is such a happy colour

wrapped around your fingers to please you forever

The body falls again as you try to hold it up
You put your ears to the chest and when you hear nothing,
I see it-
The slow way your face scrunches in pain
Then the tears roll down your face.

We both saw the man walk like he was running away from something, someone
He bumped into you and your cup emptied its content on your shirt
You’d loved the colour mix of the shirt, but now you may never retrieve it
The beer has mixed with his blood

The man walked away after murmuring something, maybe an apology
You go after him and Even if I’m outside, I hear your screams at the other side of the bathroom wall

You rush to the body when the gun goes off quietly
You hug it and save the head from landing with a thud

I want to ask if you know him, you are screaming, not the same way you screamed after the beer poured on you
You are screaming because that is how you are, you feel everyone’s pain
The body falls again and this time you take your hands to your head and walk towards me

“What have you done?”
This is not the first time but you ask me like you do not know I hate when anyone vexes you

On this alter to say I do

My body walks up to yours, your sweet shiny smile welcoming me to our forever
The priest coughs into the mic, we stop staring at each other to look at him.

Oh lover, we are here and I cannot believe it.

Before we stand here to swear to God and man, expressing our undying love, there were days our love withered from the drought of affection
We were unable to love, our souls were unreceptive and I cried on those days, never imagining they would pass.

Oh lover, did you know we will get here?

Those days our emotions were the only things we saw. Days we let our pride go first before our heart desires.
Today we stand before each other- and this priest who is asking the congregation if anyone opposes our union.

Oh, lover, my heart flutters sweetly

We dance and jump the broom to honour your tradition
Only days ago, I’d danced around my father’s compound, walking in the midst of the guests
I’d sat on your lap and we drank wine from a cup, honouring mine.

Oh lover, I am glad to walk this path with you

On this alter I say I do, I walk back to our past, I am glad at our future, and my heart is full of joy.

The name of the Lord is a strong tower

The name of the Lord is a strong tower. The righteous run to it and are safe
Running slows down my pace
“Hallowed be thy name”, my heart calls out. I dance and shout in praise seeking the Lord’s face. In response, the heavens shower the blessings of the Lord
With arms stretched wide, I continue to praise.
I’m still running to the tower, I taste the smell of my weariness as running slows down my pace.

But the Bible says Elijah outran the chariots of Ahab to Jezreel.
Even logically, when you run, you arrive at a place faster.

It is the red sea of doubt that breaks you.

I think about it, this mad joke of a brain is playing tricks on me.

The brain makes things happen to you when you are deserving. The four poles of the world meet on my head. The world is a triangle, so the three ends meet in my head.
Hallowed be your name Lord.

Estoy bien. je vais très bien
The sweet brain of mine keeps playing a trick on me

1 2 3