Hour 5

9/2/2023

 

“Learning How To Be Ashamed…”

 

Shame isn’t a naturally happening trait.  No one is born with it It takes learning and practice and living and …well, I guess it’s a gift that keeps on giving – ya know?

 

I remember being taught I was “poor”.

Yeah, really.  I got an “A” in Poor.

 

Just some of the lessons:

Catholic school –

the parish covered my tuition,

but not the books

nor a lunch

nor the required uniform(s)

(and I grew too – sigh),

and the “lessons” were ALWAYS in public,

and always discussed – aloud.

 

My then stepdad was union…

he was out for months and months on strikes –

you COULD buy butter by the stick, single eggs,

some staples by the ounce, was mom and pop stores (single room) even a Grocer (BIG room and Shelves of couldn’t haves –

there was even credit IF you were deemed “Worthy”

(and that capital was meant BECAUSE it had a cost) –

some were NEVER worthy; I was deemed a thief,

though I didn’t EVER take a thing, but I was POOR –

they said …so guilty.

 

Mom was always a black sheep of the family –

and dads came and went…

tenements and so many broken dreams followed us.

During one strike they gave away my dog –

to the mayor no less

and HE took it too.

 

I learned how to read and sight memorize

a textbook – in a day

’cause they didn’t give books on credit

and dollars took months – when you could.

Ever hear, “What’s that trash doing in MY house?”

as you studied from a book you couldn’t buy

or even borrow ’cause it is needed EVERY day…

yeah, shame is learned…

 

And when you’re ‘tween dads and “uncles” –

you walk the miles to an aunt’s house,

to ask (mom said) for what could be spared.

And the meanness …yeah, shame takes practice –

and ya get to stand in the kitchen, while they eat

in the dining room… and you HEAR what gets said,

ya hear and shrink and shrink more each time.

 

You CAN forgive, but never forget…

Yeah, ya learn.

 

You never really escape,

but you “deal”

’til ya die.

 

Chris

(C) Chris Twyford 9/2/2023