(To be performed in the slightly nasal, up-beat style of a FOH speech before a theatre show.)

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen
Or rather, YOU, sir,
You wickedly handsome devil,
And welcome to this evening’s love song.
For your enjoyment
And before the performance begins,
We’d like to ask you
To make sure all mobile phones
(Mainly yours, you luscious man)
Are switched off
Or put on silent.
You won’t want anything to interrupt this,
You gorgeous, gorgeous boy…
Emergency exits are sited
In the flowing areas…
Here.
Here.
Here.
And here.
You won’t need them, though,
Will you?
You strike me as being in this for the long run, darling:
No quick exits for you!
And we’re glad to hear that;
So very, very glad!
This evening’s performance
Will last a lifetime, sir.
There’ll be laughter, tears and plenty of drama,
And some of it
(Or a great deal of it, should we say, darling man)
Will be of a highly adult variety.
Bet that brought a smile to your face, hmmmm, you naughty boy?
There will be no interval –
No break from this performance –
For we know that’s what you asked for
And it’s something we’re more than happy to provide.
Now all that’s left for us to say
Is sit back
And enjoy the show!

(Mwah!)

(c) Anne McMaster 2015