The Poetry Marathon

Every year around this time
everyone starts saying the
same things without fail
I can hear them echoing
in my mind

Today is the day that I
will get into shape
today is the day that I will
Start eating healthier
I’ll stop that bad habit
I’ll save my money
I’ll do this
I’ll do that

Pretty ironic for someone
who seems to do great for
about three days and then
well what do we have here-?

I thought you were going to change
your habits
I got too busy-
Be honest-
The going got tough and instead of
sticking with-
You caved.

I can’t say much against you
I’m the same way.
I tried to stop eating
bad food and I tried to
exercise more

because frankly-
I can hear disease huffing and
puffing behind me and I have realized
that i am making it far far too easy for it
to catch me.

I must not want to change THAT bad
If every year it’s the same old same old
but I do know that when disease
eventually does catch me-
I’ll be surprised because my habits
aren’t that bad-

Are they?

Out the backdoor I go
through the back yard
and around the bend
in the field

step over the junker cars
that mark the spot and watch
out for that gopher hole
It wouldn’t do to break my
leg

I can feel the sun on my face
and I lazily walk through the
field
Today is a gorgeous day
the air is crisp
the colors a set fire of
reds and golds

I have a purpose for being
out here-

There it is!!

Being careful, I step to the edge.
Down below is the creek
I can see the bench is brand-new
someone must have rebuilt it
I haven’t been here for years

This was the place that I
always ran to-
when things were rough
when I needed a friend and where
things always ALWAYS made sense

making my way down, I relax with
the sound of rushing water
mixing with the sounds of birds,
a distant dog barking
and once more I am transported
back to when I was 24

And said goodbye for the final time
it broke my heart to leave you behind
but I couldn’t pack you up and transport
you- though I wanted to

Well I’m all grown up now and
I’m sure that you can still help
somwhow
I have missed you

Another night
So much on my mind
God please take it away.
Please don’t make me think
about it once again

You win God
I’ll think about it
once more
and pray again
it touches someone’s life

I reflect on the things
that I’ve done
Things that I’m not proud of
addictions I’ve faced

Why did I suffer the addiction
that I had
why did I have to fight so hard
just to stay alive
Why was I so ashamed
to talk to you
when it was bad

You took me out of myself
made me step away from it
all
just so I could see what it was
doing to me

Thank you Jesus
For showing me
for teaching me
guiding me
caring for me

Thank you
that I’m not the same
person that I was
that I’m still alive
still here
still hoping
that my story reaches
someone in need

Sometimes I wonder
does my story ever reach
anyone, touch anyone
I guess it’s something I
may never know

I pray that my story
touches someone
that needs to hear the
message imbedded in
the story of my life

I may have stopped
the addiction that consumed
my life
my thoughts
my words and actions
myself
But I didn’t do it alone

Too often we say to ourselves
‘look, I’ve pulled myself away from
this addiction’
or this behavior
but did we really do it on our own?
or is that what we like to say to
make ourselves feel better
when we know we didn’t

Or was there someone who had a
purpose for the suffering that we
went through to get to where we are
at this moment in time

I believe that jesus has a reason
for the sufferings we go through
there is a purpose in the suffering
that I faced
that we all faced at one time or another

I don’t know what it is
neither do you or anyone else
But isn’t that part of the mystery
of life’s ride.
Going on a journey where you don’t
know where you’ll end up

Again I say
Thank you Jesus
for loving me
for rescuing me
for showing me
the way to get clean
so I’m no longer dirty
and in danger of dying in hell
for the sins I’ve committed
against you

Take my life and use it
all for your purpose
anything you want I’ll do it
just to know that you are
in the drivers seat of my life

Dear sleep;

Stop singing your sweet
lullabies, Your siren song
of slumber
It’s not time just yet

I see you there- with
your fluffy pillows and
your comfy, warm
extra big blankets

Come to me, come to me
you need your rest and I
grow lonely for your company

I know you do sleep, but my
job is not yet done-
I have more things to write before
I crawl to you and submit you your
bidding

Sleep, you’re a patient mistress
willing to wait for how long it takes
me to get back to you
Just wait please-
it will be soon, i promise and then
we will soar together

you will envelop me in your warm
cocoon of safety-
and there i will remain until I’ve
rested enough
Wait for me.

Love, Me

I’m falling swiftly
I don’t know
what to do
how to say that
where to turn or
even why

Every time Someone
asks me
I know the right words
to say-
the ones that won’t
raise suspicions

I’m fine
ok
everything’s good
no problems
nothing’s wrong

anything I can
so they don’t see
just how broken
I really am

asking for help
is not wrong
I know that
but you turned
me this way

Where asking for someone’s
help is like betrayal
We should fight our own problems
and not talk about them
to anyone

You had such a problem
with my talking to him
you hated it- loathed it
Said why did I need him
I had you

Having you is great
It’s one way to cope
but when you are the problem
You need a third party
for a sounding board

Why am I even explaining
myself to you-
You don’t care
Your only concern is
you con’t control me any longer

You can call me anything
bitch
whore
slut
loser
crazy
anything at all
I don’t care

I know the truth
I know that I’m not always there
I may not be the sharpest
tool in the shed
the prettiest crayon
in the box
But I’m me

A mixed bag of
crazy
sweet
quiet
mouthy
loud
sarcastic
and so much more

Table for One2am

Welcome welcome
would you like a table
or a booth tonight?

Table please-
I have a reservation

Yes
– We’ve been expecting you.
Follow me please

Your table is ready
your host was very specific
in the setting up and arrangement
of your evening
Here is your menu for tonight

Ma’am? Here is your wine
If I may say so,
your dress is lovely, definitely approved
Though, If I may, your hair would look better
down

Something doesn’t feel right
but I can’t put my finger on it
just yet
But I’m not too scared

Your host is running a little behind
and asked that you go ahead and
order
what would like to eat?

I heard that you’ve been
going around town
talking like you know me-
when it is plainly obvious that
you know nothing

I am a strong person
I’ve had to be in order
to deal with the shit hand
life gave me

I am independent
I don’t have to depend
on a man to protect me
I can protect my own
by any means necessary

I am a fighter
I will fight for my family
my God and my country
I won’t take things lying down
just because you think a woman
should be quiet

I am powerful
I can make change happen
simply by standing up and taking
a stand against small mindedness

I am capable
I can do things for myself
I don’t need a man to help me
or do things for me

I am worthy
of so much
be it love
affection
and time

THAT is who I am

Lord,

I humbly come before you now
to seek your favor
and to plead my case

Please grant to me the ability
to continue writing
I’m weary Lord, and ready to
throw in the towel.

I’m no quitter
but the mind is weak
the hands don’t want to type
and the body just wants to
sleep

And there is a little bit of
writers block making the rounds
as well-
which is annoying because, well
it just is

I know that I have much more to say
tonight as I write Lord
I made the commitment to do
all twenty four hours- I don’t think
that I was thinking very clearly when
I made this decision

Given the chance again Lord-
I’d still make this decision, simply
because I love to write-

Thank you Lord
for hearing my prayer
thank you for listening
from here on out I’ll do what you
say.

Amen

TW:::
Deals with Eating disorders

Am I different
Do I look better
Are you pleased yet
Can I stop this ridiculous
charade

the clock’s ticking
time is going by
but you still
don’t see it
call me a drama queen

Five days
13 hours
the constant
craving’s still there
not as strong though

I can’t be what everyone else
wants me to be
It’s not right
It’s not going to happen

I know you want me to
have everything
that I could ever want
And I appreciate that
but it doesn’t change facts

You aren’t good for me
you claim to love me
but yet you hurt me this
way

six days
1 minute
I’ve reached it
my breaking point

I’m crawling along
on the floor
on my hands
my knees
Broken

You broke me
Satisfied?
Made me not
want it anymore

Take a second
just to breathe
Nope
Don’t want it anymore

Congratulations
damn you
I get over one addiction
Just to get fucked with
another one

Seven Days
I’m done
no more cravings
if they come up
I just ignore
them

Soon I won’t
be able to fight off
anything
not a cold
not an infection
not even diseases

Maybe you’re proud of me now.

TW::
Deals with eating disorders

If you play with fire
eventually you’ll
get burned
isn’t this the way
it always is

I never thought anything
was supposed to get to me.
I thought I was
big
bad
tough
thick skinned

one day
43 minutes
Not so sure I
can make it

But you did this to me
made me feel
stupid
insecure
unworthy
ugly

You did this to me
hurt me
pushed me down
Made me feel
like I couldn’t do
anything right

two days
1 hour
20 minutes
how long since

I want to ask you
notice me
see what I’m doing
to make you happy
not me
I don’t matter

I am not perfect
and I’m not the ideal
I can’t help it
I can’t be what you
want me to be

three days
8 hours
little by little
I’m doing it
Are you proud

I’m tired of trying to conform
to what
you want
you think
you wish
you hope
I would be

It’s not
going to happen
I have my own mind
but you still try to
push it

nitpick a little more
why don’t you
find something else
wrong with
my attitude
my language
my choices
me

four days
14 hours
56 minutes
since

Every time I do it
I feel like a failure
like Im disgusting
like I’m unworthy
to even be seen

I can’t do it anymore
I can’t make bad choices
can’t spend my life trying
to please you
It only brings me down

what I know now
is you may only have
my best interests at heart
but you pick the wrong way
to go about it