Twelfth Hour

What have I done?

Swore I wouldn’t do it

Tried every way I could 

to avoid it

Tried so hard

I gotta step back

Think 

Take a breath

Let it out 

Shake it off

Calm Down

Trying to wrap my head 

around it

Trying to give it up

It’s hard-

The voice saying:

Take me

Do it

Pick me up

You know you want it

END IT!

“Yes,”

“Yes I do.” I say to myself

I do want to end it

Picked it up- 

turned it over and over

Felt the coolness

the power

didn’t tremble though

Not trembling

Not going to be weak

over it

done with it

dumped in the garbage can

step back

Take a breath

Let it out 

take another

Let it out

Shake it off

Back away

clench fists

sink to your knees

Scream

Was so close

Too close

Wanted it so bad

needed it so bad

Still trying to avoid

not sure how long

constant constant 

Everyday battle

Get up

dust off

save the fight

for another day

Hurts so bad

Want the pain

Want to be numb

Just not the stain

Gotta step back

Take a breath

Let it out 

works just a little

Still not in control

Still feeling bad

want the control

NEED the control

Still on my knees

Cant see cause 

the tears

Begging you please

Make me step back

Take a breath

Let it out

Shake it off

Let me calm down

I’m on the edge

I’m going to break

I’m going to fall

I can feel it

Sucks don’t it?

Work everyday

hard as hell

to shake it off 

but you can’t

Damn- Nothing’s going right

Everything’s a mess

I can’t do it anymore

everything’s out of control

I can take it anymore

Scream

Cry

Punch the wall

FUCK! It hurts

Laying on the floor

Staring up at the ceiling

exhausted beyond reason

Can’t do it anymore

Crying ever so softly

Completely drained

close my eyes

Tears pour out like rain

Take a breath

Let it out

take another

Let it out

One more

Let it out

Feeling the same 

but better

Still in pain

not so bitter

Can’t believe 

that I was so close

too close if you ask me

Close my eyes

Take a breath

Let it out

Shook it off Now I’m calm.

Eleventh Hour

You had such a problem

with my talking to him

you hated it- loathed it

Said why did I need him

I had you

 

Having you is great

It’s one way to cope

but when you are the problem

You need a third party

for a sounding board

 

Why am I even explaining

myself to you-

You don’t care

Your only concern is

you con’t control me any longer

 

Tenth Hour

As a friend

as a lover

I saw you

sleek

kind

beautiful

perfection itself

 

I don’t know

how to

get around you

To stop feeling

this way

you’ve always been

there for me

 

You are my comfort

my companion

when I was down

you picked me up

 

It’s kinda like

love that

hurts

burns

stings

 

you torture me

with your love

you fill me with

holes

emptiness

unbalance

dispair

 

You ask me

if I still love you

At first I couldn’t

even answer you

Then the answer

came so clear

 

I can’t love you

anymore

your love

stings

burns

hurts

Not like I should

be treated

 

I should be putting

one foot in front of

the other

walk away from you

But I can’t

 

You’re too hypnotic

to refuse

like a beautiful chant

like a drug

your hold is beautiful

 

I don’t want to love

you

I bleed when I do

but you wont let go

even when I want you to

 

How can you claim

to love me

care about me

cherish me

yet do this to me

 

That’s the only thing

you do

is hurt me

I don’t deserve it

I don’t need it

 

I’m breaking away

running like hell

in the other direction

away from the

pain

dispair

emptiness

from you

 

Taking back my life

don’t want me to

but I am

I’m sick of being

in pain

I’m done with you

 

I’m past this shit

I threw you out

of my life

I’m not looking back

I refuse to

 

I’m shaking like a leaf

not from fear

but apprehension

from anger

I’m done

 

You act like

you have the right to

walk the fuck back in

to my life

like everything’s

going to go back

to normal

 

I don’t need you

don’t want you

can live independently

of you

done

 

How’s it feel

to be kicked to the curb

be told you’re not needed

told there’s no place for you

 

Burns don’t it

stings don’t it

hurts don’t it

Just like your love for me

 

Ninth Hour

Sometimes I wonder

What has it all

been for

Why and how

did I get to this point

 

When I started, I was so happy

My eyes were clear and bright

without the haze that came with the

Addiction

 

The road was hard

And tough

Full of holes and hills

Rocks and cliffs

Made the going hard

 

I was able to the journey

Slowly, but I made it

I was proud of it

Now I don’t see what I have

to even be proud of.

 

I know why I stopped. I knew

that it was time

But I can’t help the strong

of the craving

or the wanting

to return to it

 

Eighth Hour

If you play with fire

eventually you’ll

get burned

isn’t this the way

it always is

 

I never thought anything

was supposed to get to me.

I thought I was

big

bad

tough

thick skinned

 

one day

43 minutes

Not so sure I

can make it

 

But you did this to me

made me feel

stupid

insecure

unworthy

ugly

 

You did this to me

hurt me

pushed me down

Made me feel

like I couldn’t do

anything right

 

two days

1 hour

20 minutes

how long since

 

I want to ask you

notice me

see what I’m doing

to make you happy

not me

I don’t matter

 

I am not perfect

and I’m not the ldeal

I can’t help it

I can’t be what you

want me to be

 

three days

8 hours

little by little

I’m doing it

Are you proud

 

I’m tired of trying to conform

to what

you want

you think

you wish

you hope

I would be

 

It’s not

going to happen

I have my own mind

but you still try to

push it

 

nitpick a little more

why don’t you

find something else

wrong with

my attitide

my language

my choices

me

 

four days

14 hours

56 minutes

since

 

Everytime I do it

I feel like a failure

like Im disgusting

like I’m unworthy

to even be seen

 

I can’t do it anymore

I can’t make bad choices

can’t spend my life trying

to please you

It only brings me down

 

what I know now

is you may only have

my best interests at heart

but you pick the wrong way

to go about it

 

Am I different

Do I look better

Are you pleased yet

Can I stop this ridiculous

charade

 

the clock’s ticking

time is going by

but you still

don’t see it

call me a drama queen

 

Five days

13 hours

the constant

craving’s still there

not as strong though

 

I can’t be what everyone else

wants me to be

It’s not right

It’s not going to happen

 

I know you want me to

have everything

that I could ever want

And I appreciate that

but it doesn’t change facts

 

You aren’t good for me

you claim to love me

but yet you hurt me this

way

 

six days

1 minute

I’ve reached it

my breaking point

 

I’m crawling along

on the floor

on my hands

my knees

Broken

 

You broke me

Satisfied?

Made me not

want it anymore

 

Take a second

just to breathe

Nope

Don’t want it anymore

 

Congratulations

damn you

I get over one addiction

Just to get fucked with

another one

 

Seven Days

I’m done

no more cravings

if they come up

I just ignore

them

 

Soon I won’t

be able to fight off

anything

not a cold

not an infection

not even diseases

 

Maybe you’re proud of me now.

 

Seventh Hour

 

 

 

So I start with three

simple verses

From the book of truth

Spoken by you

Taken to heart by men

~

Therefore, in order to keep

me from becoming conceited,

I was given a thorn in

my flesh, a messenger of

Satan, to torment me

~

Three times I pleaded with

the Lord to take it away from

me. But he said to me, My grace

is sufficient for you, for my power

is made perfect in weakness.

~

How is your power made

perfect in my weakness Lord

Do you know what I’ve been

through in my life thus far

~

Do you know the trials and

struggles that I face everyday

The hopes and dreams that

I have seen dashed to peices

on the ground

~

Late night conversation

with a friend

a brother in your name

I was a wreck

~

I told him I was in

danger of falling

back to old habits

old addictions

old ways of living

~

I don’t want to fall

I don’t want to go back

to what I used to be

How I used to live my life

Help me please

~

He looked right at me

Sadly shaking his head

pointed a finger at me

~

You’ve become conceited

in your clean living

Taking the credit for your

accomplishments

when you know full well

It wasn’t your doing

~

It was God’s doing

He took

your pain

bore your shame

Every insult that you’ve uttered

You uttered at him

~

Everytime you partook in your

addictions-

It was a slap in his face

not yours

~

Threw myself onto my face

Felt like I was pushed

by some unseen force

an unseen hand

~

Lord Almighty

I’m sorry

No more of this

running from you

doing things to spite you

To hurt you

to shame you

~

Take me Lord

Fit me in your plan

Bend me to your will

save me God

Even though I deserve

nothing

I humbly beg this of you.

~

I’m not worthy to be saved

Lord

Yet you saved me anyway

You take me back no matter what

You once said there is NOTHING

that I will ever do where you won’t

still love me, where you won’t still

take me back

~

So tonight I will pick up my cross

And follow you

Teach me Lord

Show me your mercy

Show me your Grace

Love me

~

Because I love you God

 

 

Sixth Hour

A man once said “If anyone in this

place is unwilling to take a bullet

for Christ’s sake-Leave now and no

harm will come to you. If you stay and

are found false. You’ve written your own

destiny.”

~

I stood and left like so many other

scared people in this position. Afraid

of what might happen if I stayed. Afraid

of what other people might think of me

following one who many claim never existed.

~

So many people are “Sunday Christians”

Live wild and free six days a week

On Sunday they sit in the pews at church

and act as though they are a true follower

of Christ.

If you were to ask any of them alone if they

would deny Christ- They’d say no.

~

I wonder how Peter must have felt

Following Jesus throughout his ministry.

Saying that he was the Christ and loving him

When Jesus was arrested Peter deserted and

then followed them into town and saw

the outcome.

~

Christ was comdemned to die

as Scripture foretold. Peter could have

spoken up, but didn’t. He was scared of

what the other people around him thought

About Jesus and his disciples.

~

Peter denied knowing him three times

How hard must that have been for him

To know that he loved Christ But when put

to the test- Denied him just to save his own
skin?

~

I am not worthy to be called a Christian-

I love Christ and I say that I would die for him

Would I really? Would I really be willing to die

because of my unwillingness to Deny God?

I don’t know

~

I was in the mall one day with some friends

Not Christians. I saw a guy that I really liked

Who was the furtherest thing from Christ

He said to everyone who could hear.

“You were at a Bible study Last night!”

~

To spare myself the pain of hearing their laughter

That I knew was going to follow that statement

I looked confused. I put on this big act for them

like an award winning actress.

~

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I wasn’t

There. You have me confused with some other

girl. I wouldn’t be caught dead in a church.” And

gave a little laugh as though to prove I was telling the

truth.

~

They believed what I said, and everything was fine

once more and I felt as though I was accepted into

their group as though by some miracle I had passed

some unspoken test.

~

We walked a little more, laughing and carrying on

When some people that I had been at the Bible Study

with saw me. They came up to me and hugged me,

chatting about what fun we’d had the night before.

~

A girl who was with us said to me, grabbing my arm

“It’s true. You were at the Bible Study” And I stood

there angry because I could hear and feel the

judgement coming from both sides.

“I Don’t know what you mean. I don’t go to

Bible Studies”

~

I jerked my arm out of her grasp and stood there.

I could feel a little hurt come over me as I denied

knowing him and his name. I was numb to it for

the time being. I didn’t want to lose my new friends-

But I didn’t want to give up God either

And at the same time- I wanted to be accepted

~

A little while later- I was walking and someone

that I’d met the day before said it was good

to run into me.

I had liked talking to him- He didn’t paint a

pretty picture of life like so many others had.

~

We sat there and talked for what seemed

like hours alone together, when the group I’d

been hanging out with, came by. I could see

it in their eyes what they

were about to say.

“You were there last night. Everyone saw you-

Why deny it?”

~

I got so angry and stood up. I didn’t care anymore

I was so sick of defending myself to everyone.

Those who knew me and loved me for me knew

the truth.

Those who didn’t- It was their loss.

~

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT

I WASN’T THERE! I DON’T DO THINGS LIKE THAT

I DO MY OWN THING.

I DON’T KNOW THIS JESUS YOU TALK ABOUT

AND I DON’T GO TO BIBLE STUDIES!!”

~

After I said that, I felt this wave of shame come over

me. The clock in the center of the mall had struck 3 o’clock.

I closed my eyes and started to weep as I remembered

what was written in Scripture. ‘Before the rooster crows

you will have denied me three times.”

 

Fifth Hour

 

As I approach you

I tremble in fear

as I know I’m not worthy

and I feel that you are going to

punish me

 

I come to you on

Bent knee with a

Bowed Head and a

Broken and shamed heart

 

Father I am not proud

I don’t want to be haughty

Nor did I want to come here

and be confronted by you

 

For what can I say Father

What can I do and

what can I offer

to plead my case before you

that I would say that I has just cause

to do what I did

 

But I am here now Father

and I am weak and I am afraid

Let me rest in your arms

for just a little while as you

comfort me, hold me

Let me speak to you Father

 

I am not worthy Father

to rest in your embrace

for I have insulted your Kingdom

with my thoughts

my words

my actions

 

What I feared most of all

has come once again knocking

knocking at my door

I have no more peace because of it

I feel endless turmoil

 

Everytime I come to you Father

my own mouth by virtue of what

I say condemns me and

it announces my guilt

everyday

 

Father I am troubled tonight

I am fearful of the quickly

approaching date that means

so much to me and my state

of mind

 

Why would I put myself

in jeopardy so often

and want to take my life

into my own hands

It is not my decision

when my life ends

but yours

 

I am thankful Father

for the last four years

that you were gracious

enough to give to me

when so many times

you could have taken

my life

 

I pray Father that day would

no longer trouble me

that it would not be remembered

with pride or happiness

but with thankfulness and humility

 

You brought me

out of the depths

of the pain I was in

back from despair

from shame from guilt

 

Every year may I throw

myself on my hands and knees

my face turned towards

and focused on you

and do nothing that day

but praise you

only praise you

 

One day Father may I

no longer feel the shame

that I feel everytime

I think about it

May I instead stand

firm and fearless

and remember the sins

of long ago

as only water rushing by

 

You question me Father

I must answer you

but I do not know

what I can say

in my defense

that you would accept

 

Father you love me

unconditionally

there is nothing

that I can do

that will make you

stop loving me

I did not get to

this point alone

 

It was you Father

and only you

you gave me

Grace and Mercy

and there is nothing

I can ever do to repay you

 

Thunder booms and lightening

flashes similar to a storm

I fall back to my knees

as I feel your overwhelming

presence change

I tremble at your power

 

I AM THE ALMIGHTY

EVERYTHING BELONGS

TO ME THEREFORE

I WILL QUESTION YOU

AND YOU WILL ANSWER ME

 

Who has claims against me

that I must pay them

I gave you a body

flesh

breath I gave you LIFE

 

I did not shorten your life

when you forsook me

when you cursed me

I did not end your life

 

Your body is an extension

of my temple

My spirit lived in you

even now as you crawl

back to me

Contrite

It still lives

in you

 

You do not have peace

from this matter

because you have not asked

me to take it away from you

 

You have asked in the past

but with the wrong motive

that I would merely take it

away and you could still

indulge in your earthly pleasures

 

You cannot always have

what you want

I am you Father

I know what is best for you

 

Do not fear me my child

because fear has to do

with being punished

My love is perfect

and it drives out the fear

 

So come to me

with your pain

your worries

your burdens

your cares

your anxieties

and rest in my embrace

 

Fourth Hour

I’m sorry I made you mad

when I messed my pants again

for the third time in one hour

I just couldn’t mke it

fast enough

 

And I’m sorry that my babbling

annoys you

I can’t always find the right words-

And it takes longer than most to

find them.

Please don’t ignore me

 

Please don’t be angry that I’m

so slow

I can’t move as fast as I used to

I have nowhere special to be now

 

Don’t act as though I’m a burden-

I don’t mean to be

I used to be on my own

Now I need help with everything

 

Please understand that I’m

Trying to retain my dignity

while giving up the choice

to live on my own

 

I know that you move

at a faster pace and my

slowness only angers you

Please have patience with me

I’m like a baby once more

 

I understand that it was

easier for me to come here

than for you to care for me

You tried- and for that alone

I love and thank you

 

Please understand that I am

scared and confused-

angry and maybe

even a little happy

Just accept me

 

Please hold my hand

and know that it gives me

comfort to hold the hand of

one who loves me

 

I have stories to tell

memories to share

feelings to feel

sit and listen-

Know me.

 

Please try to understand

my anger

My own body is rejecting me.

 

 

****Inspired by my Father, who struggled for several years.

 

Third Hour

It has taken so long

Just for me to figure out

The one true friend that I’ve

Always had

 

Never cared about:

What I wore

How much money I had

How many times I’ve messed up

But would laugh when I tripped

 

Has never left me

never disbeleived me

Always taken my side

Be there, a phone call away

When I can’t see her

 

The only person who

loves me unconditionally

Never been ashamed to say,

YEP SHE’S MINE!!

But will leave a home the will never

be filled once she’s gone

 

She’s my:

Best friend

Inspiration to be a better woman

Standard for everything right and true

 

She’s my Mom