Random Thoughts part two–7am

Long lost traveler-
where have you been?
What are the lessons
you’ve learned?
Who have you met
along the way?

There’s been a moment
or two-
or more
Where I thought I’d
cash it all in
leave- Not come back
What would it be for?

I’m sitting here in a
prison of my own making
nothing else seemed ok

Can I cash it in?
just for one night
die- have no regrets
see what the other side
has to offer.

Well hello there Death
What have you to offer?
a smooth comfortable ride
or a walk on the wild side
where we going first?

I’ve never seen someone
die before-
It’s always been-
one second you’re here, the next
no one’s home

time can’t be turned back-
be easy if you could-
do so many things over
til you got them right

Where we going next friend
to revisit old forgotten memories
better left alone?

Keep knocking on the devil’s door
long enough, eventually he’s
gonna answer you
can you handle that?

Regrets had
decisions made
roads taken-
or not

what was it for?

Christmas Bitter–6am

This time of year
always meant so much
to me
for so long

Cookies and Christmas trees
decorations and snow
even presents and family
to yell with-
oh the chaos

I’m not gonna lie
It’s really hard this year
even though you’ve been
gone awhile-
stills cuts like glass
everyday

Bitter
so very bitter
everyone else is happy
WHAT ABOUT ME DAMNIT?!

Some days it doesn’t seem
like you’ve gone and others
well–
it’s the end of the world and
I don’t know how I’m going to
survive

This year I don’t care
about presents or
family or even
the food-

I just want to be left alone
I just want to be quiet awhile
want someone to understand
my pain
hurt
lonliness
and no one will

Dragging christmas trees
baking cookies and pies
music and impatiently waiting
laughter and the tears
even the anger

not those

mistletoe
presents
and snow
nope- not that either

there’s a difference
in my heart
my attitude
I barely notice it

so discontent
crying
where is my peace

What more is there
to my life
what more do I have to
look forward to?

Late night conversations–5am

Did I hear you right
last night, when you said
You love me and want me?

And did I hear you right
when I felt you wrap your
arms around me and you
whispered

‘Hush, I’ve got this’
and went to war-
battling Satan for my soul
what a battle that must have
been

I don’t think I could have
heard you right Lord,
when you said you had
something for me
but first I had to surrender to
you so you could set me free

I’ll try-
I don’t know if It will do any good
but I can try.
That’s all I can offer

That’s all I ask of you
my child

Nightowl– 4am

It’s so quiet now
no traffic
no harsh lights
no demands on my time
no people

Perfect time to write
Plenty of stillness
for inspiration
I have what I need for a night
such as this

Cold shiver as I
start to prepare to
dive into this hole
the journey of which
is hard to explain

If you’ve never done it
you won’t understand
the exhileration
the painful
tough
annoying
raw
bleeding
process that it can be

I can’t explain it to you

Quietly, petiently
trying to sketch out
the thoughts in my head

some come easy, others take time
others will not come at all
like loosening a tight bolt

There!
what’s that
A spark of thought
image to start
a distant sound
mournful cry

plain paper
easiest to gather
thoughts on
walking restlessly

couldn’t sleep tonight
guess that’s why I’m
tucked here on the floor
against this old wall
not really tired though

I can almost hear the clock
in the hall ticking away the time

Running out of time
almost out of time
I can imagine it screaming

But that’s ok

I am in control
I set the pace
and that’s ok

Another bite of inspiration
this one delicious
yet dark and taunting

dipping into the dangerous
flirting with scary
what was that cold shiver for?

This spark scares me-
it’s going to take me
someplace I don’t want to go
but that’s beauty of my craft-
everything’s ripe for use

I can see it getting lighter out
now, the night is almost over-
I don’t know what to do-
I have so much more left
that needs to be said

Calm yourself
you’ll be ok
the night will come again
and there you’ll be

I can hear noise now
people getting up
ready to start their day

meanwhile I’m here
putting my craft to bed-
setting a reminder of
where I stopped-

just to pick it up once more.

Another letter–3am

Dear child;

You were hurt
you were told
not to tell
a single soul
else they’d come back
and hurt you again

You just wanted
to be loved
by them, by anyone
it didn’t matter who
even if it hurt so bad-
you swore you’d never tell
a single soul

You talked to God
every night, sometimes
all night
You had so many
questions for him
but no answers came

you were told
so many lies
oh how you’d cry
you were dirty
you were bad
that’s why- they were mad

everytime you withered
inside-
and when it was too much
you’d die inside

Time went on
you had your pain
to pretend
your adulthood
it wouldn’t stain

Random thoughts–2am

This feeling won’t stop
keeps coming back-
How can I fight it?
I don’t have any support

I don’t get it-
I was told so many
different things

Don’t think about it
ignore it
give it to God
and you’ll be fine

It’s all in your head
you’re crazy
attention Seeker
weirdo
How can I compete with that?

I want to reach out
but I don’t
being called an attention seeker
is far worse

And cause for silence

I swore an oath
made a promise
that I was done
what else was there?

When did my word become
far greater than God’s power
and love?

When did these
feelings become
less important than
the status quo?

SSHH
Conform
be quiet
don’t make trouble
single file like
obedient soldiers

I can’t talk about this
at all –
to anyone-
They’d be so disappointed
so angry

So I sit here
Alone, afraid
in the dark
fearful of every sound

Crawling out of my skin
wondering what’s going to happen
who’s going to come for me
It’s a horrible disaster

No one cares
no one knows
I’ve gotten good at hiding
Not saying a word

I’ve gotten so good at
this facade–just so
no one sees how truly
raw and broken I am

Why would anyone care?
everything’s going ok
in their world
they don’t really care
about anyone else

 

Moving in–1am

Sad that the change
had to happen
it was tough-Not one of
my top favorite moments

A bunch of boxes and bins
newspaper to wrap
careful there with the fragiles
don’t drop them

Stacked in the hall
I think I have them all
If not- then definitely
most of them

I don’t want to do this-
I don’t think I’ll like it there
Maybe I should have hired movers
instead of doing it on our own

let’s not forget the bin of food
that has to go too
I can put it away first when I
get there
No sense wasting good food

Got everything in the trucks in
only two trips-
makes it easier
a clean break is best
instead of having to go back
several times

maybe tonight-
I’ll order pizza
and have that rather than
trying to track down my dishes
that can be a project
for another time

I only have to really unpack
the things I will need immediately
food, clothes
bedsheets and blankets
the rest can be spread out

I have the keys now-
it feels so damn real now
like there’s no turning back
next stop-
Home

Letter to me–12am

Dear Amy,

I wish you knew
How much I miss you
and your curiosity when
we used to talk.

I wish you could
understand that I tried to
do the very best I could when
trying to help you deal with
things

I miss our talks that we used to
have in college-
where you would stay up all
night talking to me, not mindful
of the early morning class you had

I know you blame me for taking your
parents- and that is ok.
I had to take them so you would see
that you needed to spread your wings
and fly to your own nest

I know you have passion
in your soul-
I experience it everytime you
write

Everytime you sing songs of praise
I see it there too- but you hold back
because you think that you have
nothing special to offer

I miss seeing the joy and elation
when you got baptized-
it only took you nine years to
stop fighting me on this point

Stop being such a stubborn crab
I know you need your shell
But you don’t with me. I’m the
one person you don’t hide from.

spoiler alert—

I already know everything.
There’s literally NOTHING
you can hide from me.
Remember that in case you
start thinking that you can pull
one over on me.

I will talk to you soon
remember, I’m waiting
and I’m not going to hurt you

Love, God

Writers block–11pm

Staring at the empty screen
can’t think of what to write
It’s here in my head
in my heart yet-
I can’t put it into words

I have so much I want to say
Know what I want to say
but everytime I try-
it doesn’t make sense

I’m a writer-
everyone seems to think
that it’s easy
that all you have to do
is open up your laptop
your journal
touch pen to paper
and it magically appears

it doesn’t always work that way
words can be such a cruel mistress
they can string you along
make you think they sound good
and just like that–

They turn on you.
screw up your train of thought
make you second guess your intentions
sound stupid no matter how you
arrange them on the page

Faith–10pm

Things were going good-
everything was in place
no reason to suspect
anything was going to go wrong

That day, started off ok
How foolish I was then
to think that she’d be ok
I was wrong

I had to explain that she was
gone- I had to entertain people
be around people when I didn’t
even want to be alive

when all was said and done-
I had to say that
I guess this is where I
will find out if I believe
what I say I believe

Some people said that I
had no right to be angry with
You God.
Others said that they understood

I say that it’s ok to be angry
with you but that one has to
come back to you after and
apologize.

I tried to. And I think I did ok
you’re all powerful and all
knowing-
you saw my anger before time began
its not like it was a shock to you

 

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