The Poetry Marathon

There was a fire
at my home
everything was fine
or so I thought when I went
to bed last night

There wasn’t much time
to get out alive
let alone grab anything
to save-

Not clothes-
so thankful I was wearing pants
books
money
pictures
nothing
but one thing

I had this doll since I was
two years old
beautiful pristine little doll
now it’s worn with age and
looks like it came from the trash

Red Baby is his name
he was my one, constant
companion through it all
there for me-
when everyone else let me down

He went everywhere with me
School
doctor’s
hospital
college

eventually I put him away in a box
for my future daughter
but that never happened
so I took him back out-

I couldn’t leave him behind
He knows all of my secrets-
even the ones, I would prefer
that no one EVER know.

there are times that I want so bad
to tell my story to someone
ANYONE that would listen
about everything that has happened
to me

–This again?

I have tried so many times
in the past-
but no one listened
why would they?

–I don’t have time for this

they are comfortable in
their ignorance
their perfect little world
where nothing bad ever
happens and no one ever dies
or gets hurt in any way

That’s not the real world
that’s fantasy
I know- I’ve been there

–Have you now?

I’ve been in the world where
no one hurt me-
everyone went on living
even though people were sick
it’s a child like world

–You don’t know the meaning of it

I’ve been hurt
I’ve been touched by death
I’ve had to bury people that I
didn’t think I could survive
without.

–You aren’t special.

I’ve had to relearn things
I’ve had to struggle to get to
where I am right now
I’ve had to hurt
cry
laugh

I was a grownup before I
should have been
I’ve had to pay attention to
things that I shouldn’t have
had until I was married
or that I’ve had no business
to know

–we all have.

You don’t know my story
or my struggle
you haven’t had to go through
MY LIFE
all you know is YOUR life.

We never talked about it
but I hear the blame was mine
and only mine. Like you had nothing
to do with it too.

Keep spinning that lie
to anyone who will listen
if it makes you happy-
I get it.

Shred my reputation
If that’s what needs to happen
my honesty will answer for me
you’ll see that I’ve never tried
to hurt you.

I don’ t understand why
you hate me
I know I’m a horrible person
I know you no longer care
did you ever?
I don’t think you did

Surrounded by the notes
and the pictures of our past
It’s not hard to see why
we didn’t last as friends

I have spent days upon days
stuck in this hellish apartment
of which I know every inch
only because I studied things
because I couldn’t move

I didn’t want to do anything
I didn’t want to be anywhere
I just couldn’t-and I don’t know
how it even started this time

There is a light at the end today
though-
for the first time in a month
I can get up and clean
but please understand

I’m not generally a slob
I usually keep everything nice
and tidy
everything in its place simply because
that’s less chaotic

I’ve made my list and divided it into
reasonably small sections
by room and then by task
I’d better fuel up-
it’s going to be a long day and night

breakfast first
Dishes after
that task is done
what next?
Oh yes- The list

The living room
needs the trash picked up
laundry put into the hamper
what did that dish come from?!

Papers of past writing
those need to be gone through
on the couch-
Yep; I got distracted once more

back on task
the bathroom will be last
the grossest job in cleaning
on to the bedroom

Trash is gone-
bed is made
Floor has been vaccumed
dusting? For another day
A nap perhaps?

two hours later
still laying on my bed
I’ll have to make it again
Why am I distracted yet again?

My tummy has a rumble going
on inside-I don’t think it’s very happy
with me right now.
Maybe because It’s been about 8
hours since I last ate something

Fueled once more
and I can see an end in sight
I just have a few more things to do
and then I can relax for awhile.

Walking in the woods
Fall colors
sweater weather
so beautiful

I remember the way so well
though it’s been over 20 years
since I was last here.
The memories are very strong
today

That’s where I used to camp
and that’s where I would go
down to the creek and look for crayfish
that there is where I had my first big kiss

This used to be the place
I would run to in order to cope
with everything that life threw
at me
when I thought I couldn’t take it
anymore

my friends were here
solitude and the wild animals
I’ve missed you all

We’ve missed you as well
as you can see- the creek
kept flowing without you here
time changes everything
Life had to go on

It’s been so long since I ‘ve
come here
I’m so sorry, life just got in
the way.

Well I’m all grown up now
and I found that I didn’t
need to run here every single
time something didn’t go my way
that’s really why I came here all the time

I was a child and didn’t know how
to cope with my emotions when
they got to be too, too much.
I know how to now

That’s good. It is good
to see you today- so why come
here today? It’s been years-
You could have just stayed away

I had to come here today
I just had to make myself
understand that I didn’t have
to feel guilty or hurt that I was
growing up and didn’t need you
like the crutch I used you as

I’ve grown up and to move forward
means putting away childish things
I had to come say farewell to
my playground.

Standing in front of the
mirror in my room fluffing
the hair, taking in the outfit
I have chosen for this night

Leather pants, Boots with
a nice heel-
Dark red blouse, laced up the
front
Perfect for tonight

I can’t wait- This will be a wonderful
Night-
I finally will get to submit
to my love

Hurrying along the sidewalk
the sun’s going down
quicker and quicker it seems
I have to get where I’m going
I’m expected to be prompt

There it is-
my destination
and not a moment too soon
I was almost late
He wouldn’t appreciate that

Knocking once
twice
The door opens slightly
revealing a gentleman in
jeans and black sweater

He appears normal and laid back
but I know better-
He’s cold and calculating
and sadistic-
but I like it

Prompt, as expected
you know what’s expected of you
I like that
Come

I follow him through the dining room
other people sitting around casually
smirking, knowing what’s going to happen
tonight

downstairs to our room we continue
down the long, dimly lit hall
This used to give me the creeps
But now I crave it- beg for it often

Sit on the couch
I’ll get you some wine
do you have what we discussed?

Of course I do
I set it on the table
where you would expect it
to be

good girl- here
I’ll look it over and get
back to you in a moment
Sit quietly

Everything is in order
Are you sure about this?
Once it’s done-
We can’t go back
I’m sure

The contract has been
signed and I have received
my gift from him
I know what’s expected of me
Now we can begin

That’s why I’m here

Excuse me? Good evening
I’m looking for this place, do
you know where it is?
Quiet, nervous, scared

Sure do. Follow me.
I’m going there as well
It’s this way-
He led the way

I followed him into
a church- It didn’t bother me
After all I go to church
But I don’t know why I
have to go to this meeting
tonight

So-how does this work?
do we exchange names?
life stories?
He laughed softly
Not exactly

We grab coffee
sit down
make small talk
You’re looking a little green
Do you need some water?

Nah-
I’m good
I don’t drink coffee
Maybe I should-

I’ve met a couple people
that my helper seems to know
they all seem so–
Normal

Someone’s taking charge
and speaking
I don’t see why I have to be here
But I will be respectful and listen
Not like I have a problem

I tugged down the sleeves of my
sweater-
trying to make sure the scars are
covered
I don’t want anyone to see

My unknown helper smiled
at me and patted my arm
He seems nice
He stood up and started talking

I’m Joe and It’s been 3 years today
since I last hurt myself-
I really wanted to hurt myself tonight
But Something stopped me

I met someone new
I could see in their eyes
they are scared and unsure
probably thinks no one
understands
But I do-

I’m here to say now
There is nothing to be ashamed
of-
You have an addiction
and that’s ok-

Maybe tonight’s the night
you throw it off
maybe not
That’s your decision
but I’m here

I wanted to stand up-
but I couldn’t
Such a smug self righteous
person I am.

There are moments

where I can’t function

I don’t want to be here

I’m not suicidal-

I just don’t want to

be here anymore

I think I could be depressed

What do I know though?

Not a doctor

Lonliness knows my name

knows how much I hurt

Not happy-

I just play pretend

What would people think

I they knew- REALLY knew

I just play pretend at being happy

Would they care?

Listen?

Change-

Probably not.

It’s just a phase-

You’ll be fine

You’re ok

Have you just THOUGHT

about being happy?

You think I can just snap

my fingers and be fine?

BELIEVE ME, I’VE TRIED

no dice

Maybe drinking would

help me- But I don’t drink

Hurting myself physically

I’m an old hat at doing

But I said I wasn’t going there

anymore

It just hurts so badly sometimes

I want someone- anyone to notice

that I’m not ok-

But they don’t notice

I’m on my own

Hello? Help me!

I need some help down here

I am on edge and It’s going into

a panic attack.

I feel like I am dying

short of breath

achey

crampy

clammy

Oh God help me please

Stop

Breathe

Stop

breathe

No

not like that

Slow it down

Slow down

slow

Like that.

you’re doing ok

I’m back for the 4th time!!

I have my cleaning done and I am working on my snack list. I am so pumped for this, and have been doing some reflection back to my very first marathon… and I am glad to be able to participate yet again!!

Long lost traveler-
where have you been?
What are the lessons
you’ve learned?
Who have you met
along the way?

There’s been a moment
or two-
or more
Where I thought I’d
cash it all in
leave- Not come back
What would it be for?

I’m sitting here in a
prison of my own making
nothing else seemed ok

Can I cash it in?
just for one night
die- have no regrets
see what the other side
has to offer.

Well hello there Death
What have you to offer?
a smooth comfortable ride
or a walk on the wild side
where we going first?

I’ve never seen someone
die before-
It’s always been-
one second you’re here, the next
no one’s home

time can’t be turned back-
be easy if you could-
do so many things over
til you got them right

Where we going next friend
to revisit old forgotten memories
better left alone?

Keep knocking on the devil’s door
long enough, eventually he’s
gonna answer you
can you handle that?

Regrets had
decisions made
roads taken-
or not

what was it for?