The Poetry Marathon

Soft bass bumped from the car speakers
My arms pinned above my head
You fucked me in rhythm to the music that meshed with our hot breath that steamed up the wet, rain kissed windows
Thunder boomed
Grabbing on to me, pulling yourself in more
Exploding with me like the lightning in the darkness

losing track of time

the hours are slipping

and so am I

cloudy eyes

fuzzy brain

4:55am

searching for that perfect combination

of words

to arrange for you

but right now

I wipe the sleep

tired eyes

Ready to keep going

So tell me love

did your fingers blister

when you snuffed out

our flame

was there remorse

the day after next

of when you realized

your side of the bed

was cold and empty

I often wonder

play that day back

Stuck on repeat

with those words

I wanted to say

with the words I needed to say

with the words I’ll never get to say

Dismal 1am
A cold, strong coffee writing
at the old notebook

I guess it’s safe to say,

that all things happen for a reason

that all roads lead back to home

that if it’s meant to be, it will be

but what if..

what if things don’t happen for a reason

that all roads don’t lead back to home

what happens if it’s meant to be, but it’s not?

then I’m stuck here, lost, I’m limbo

with a pen in my hand

As it clacks on my notebook, wondering about all of

“what if’s”

that will never happen

There is no amount of water that could extinguish

the Fire inside I have for you

the flames lick the corners of my ribcage warming every cell

a spark, turned into a flame, turned into an out of control wild fire, that I hope burns for the next 60 years

only when my heart stops beating will that fire go out and turn me into ash

When I was 8 years old

My mother taught me how to sew

Pushing and pulling the needle through the fabric making clean near stitches

I picked at the loose frayed hole of my sweater

on a rainy day in November

And the rain drops kissed the concrete and the sky was as grey as your eyes

I thought I could fix us, like I could fix my sweater

Pushing and pulling the needle through making

Tight neat stitches

holding it together

keeping us together

I like how it feels to inhale chemicals

I wait for the wave to wash over me

Relax my being,

my mind shedding the suit of armor it has been wearing all day

and fade into the relaxing calm abyss

half-mast eyes, but a full smile

i am finally at peace

In the middle of concrete chaos

She looked over her shoulder

Smiled, and winked

At me

Sending voltage through my veins

I stood stoic, as a storm rage on inside

In that 1 second of that smile and wink

My live was never the same

Dear Former Self Age 14

So what if you like girls?

Dear Former Self Age 17

I know what he did to you, it was not okay. Please go tell someone.

Dear Former Self Age 21

I know you like how it feels not to feel but baby please, don’t say yes. Just when he offers it, say no.

Dear Former Self Age 26

Even when it’s the furthest thing from being okay, it’s going to be okay

Dear Former Self Age 29

Don’t be fooled by her

Dear Former Self Age 31

It’s almost over. You didn’t come this far to only come this far. Don’t give up.

Dear Former Self Age 33

Look at how far you have come

Dear Former Self Age 34 (yesterday)

I told you everything was going to be okay