The Poetry Marathon

you can’t force moments

you can’t guide love into a crisis

some stories are easier when they come from you

but more difficult to tell

Do I dare? You ask

knowing this question is neurotic in itself

Dearest self,

please forgive your gift of naivety

it proves how honest you are

you were born honest

the world tainted you

its not natural to be so protected

Life is a challenge

and you will continually be challenged

you will continue to shed naivety

others don’t have your best interest

but your own honesty taints your own thinking

Dear girl,

you get in your own way.

Be who you naturally are

don’t be too guarded or too easy

stay stubborn

it changes what you attract to you

and be smart

no matter how conflicting it is

never trust in words

trust in action

save yourself from people who pretend to be islands

when they are bound to explode

Dear you,

years ago I unraveled

you slowly crushed my soul

I dreaded time away from you

you stenciled yourself into my life

and erased yourself when I became more than a easy decision

heartbreak made me weigh seven pounds less

I lived for years in the thick of it

i never saw myself as strong

but you did

i was too small in my existence with you

you rolled me like a monster

blowing kisses to others behind my back

until one day your lies could no longer corrode my organs

you made me bleed my insecurities away

you called me ugly attempting to make me small again

I was no longer starving myself

The absence of you allowed me to fully taste the flavor of what learning self felt like

i had to tend to myself with care

cusping small victories

without fading into the background

Ive always been the underdog

searching for moments worth savoring

You are not one…

Thankfully,

I am whole again.

My daughter loves them

she calls them beautiful flowers

they have always been my favorite

hard to maintain and fruitful

bearing seeds that spread like wildfire

food to the flesh and to the soil

growing uncontrollably

only recently have they been seen as less than

something to kill

because they stubbornly misbehave

and grow wherever the wind blows the seeds

The hardest part

is starting

i approach most things half heartedly

unless it involves my kids

they are the epicenter of activities

my firestarter

we did our first race

as a family

our first hillside

our first mountain climb

our first car ride across state lines

we use roadmaps

for directions

the universe is always on display

tiny dream catchers hang by our headboards

protecting the sacredness of our dreams

the hills cradle alongside mountains

as blankets swaddle my children in the front and back seats

my hhr is our crazy horse

and we ride through mesas and state parks, through storms and public restrooms blending our present and past together with each mile

there are no doors to knock on

no paper to write on

no land to walk on

only water

We die thinking about what we have learned

how our lives could have taken a different turn

Centuries later

Humankind will evolve into mermaids…

There is no darkness

only light

i see coral oranges and teal blues

i see anger…I see rocking chairs

I feel questions

I hear pain

this is my book of genesis

I have no illusions on how I came to be

i moved into a womb

of a stubbornly loving mother

and a cancerous father

he negotiated his blueprint

to another

my mother had not ceased to exist to him

she was solely the woman he wanted at convenience

his disconnect seeped into her womb

and I wondered in the wake of this family fire

how love existed on this side

I had seen our lives disconnected

defied by my father’s own selfish crusade

he was imperfect, as every man I have encountered

And he bailed, as every man I have encountered

he taught me first

that i mattered only after his own needs were taken care of

my existence to him is only after

that is how my world came to be…

i have no doubts about any of it….

and I still love him despite it all

its said earth was Gods gift to us

Like our bodies

its the only way our souls can live

the sky smells of wonder, the land pours sacrifices decimating droughts.

mankind’s hurdles have made it difficult to experience places our eyes have never seen before

living is never soul-less

its never pure

despite our birthed promises

we claim lands already gifted to us

like rugs left in hallways

our eyes should ache from the smoke scents of our burning earth

she died

from suffocation

choking on stuffed pain

it was only after she learned

to infuse living into each day

it gave her insight

She saw truth in small kindnesses

seeing inside flesh

she returned with softened eyes

coldness seemed unreasonable

she opened windows to others soul

letting the light in

her holes were sealed

she informed me this life is just one plane for the soul to travel

and to stop worrying about what was next to happen

to live in each moment

until this life’s last

Renaissance woman sounds nice

I’ve been considered different

bullied

awkward

trying to hide

unique

timid

self conscious

are what led up to me being not normal now

i walk in rooms

i try to avoid

my accent rained glitter

my voice sinks in my dreams

road maps feel like rollercoasters

I see if I can pull it off

bold to the core of existence

sparking my creative ways