Yes I am a believer but in this day and age, it is the hardest thing

I remember as a child,
I would know your word like the phone numbers that belonged to my parents.
Whenever I was in trouble or distraught I had you on speed dial,
But as time went on,
I guess I got tired of your voicemail,
And put the phone down and stopped calling

I remember when I grew up,
You blessed me with more ages but I repaid you by adding more distance between us.
You gave me the ability to make my own decisions,
So please tell me why you gave me this gift if you knew,
I would rarely decide to follow you.

You gave me people to talk to,
But tell me, Lord, why should I tell a man,
Who has a sinning nature, my sins?
Read the word that has been attributed to you,
But written by so many people,
Has different interpretations.
So how do I know who is right and who is wrong?
You gave me the Holy Spirit to decipher,
But why does it feel like it’s always silent?

Tell me how I keep my faith,
When the children who you called,
Reject you and believe in theories that make you a figment of our imagination.
Where is the hope in that,
When all the vessels are broken and can no longer hold anything but empty promises.

I remember when I lay in bed at night,
And wonder where you were when I fell,
Rose to the challenge and succeeded.
Questioning your love for me when all I felt was hate surrounding,
Were you ready to welcome me home when I tried to take my life?
Or would I have hung lifeless?

I will never know the answer,
But I apologize for trying to praise you and please them,
Walking in the valley of darkness,
But also trying to keep my light ablaze.
I am sorry for questioning your actions,
But my ancestors made it so I become curious and search for answers.
I hope you know I am still a believer,
So I end this note by saying,
Amen

~Baker