I am… …all I am… …nothing and all … … at the same time. I am sadness trapped within myself lost in a space of time Caught in an endless loop that can’t be measured, unstoppable destruction. restless madness. I carry lost moments and regrets. everyone wishes they could turn me back… can’t be controlled. wait for no man. I am time. I am the prisoner. I am the prison I am prisoner I am prison… I am free. -Janice Raquela Mendonca
powerful – thank you
Thank you Sarah W <3
I love how you developed the first “I am” into a full stanza and ending with “I am time” that serve to illuminate the first line as well the words after it. Creates a full circle effect.
The rest is not as effective for me. I kept looking for similar development of other ‘I am” lines rather than just the repetition of the phrase.
I’d really love to see you develop the “I am trapped” and “I am prison” and “I am the prisoner” ideas. They carry great potential.
I’d really love to see you develop the “I am trapped” and “I am prison” and “I am the prisoner” ideas. They carry great potential.
Ok here goes.
I’ve decided to paste my reworked my version of it cos trying to explain the changes would be too intensive. I hope you’re okay with this. My friends & I do this regularly— send drafts to each to be reworked & sent back but I understand it’s more challenging coming from a stranger
Allow me to reiterate: ignore everything you dislike, ignore everything in fact if you disagree … but this is how I would polish the poem I think is lurking in your first draft (obviously you might see a different poem there, & someone else a third) but enough intro:
{needs a title}
I am…
…all
I am…
…nothing
& all …
… at the same time.
I am sadness
trapped within myself
lost in a space of time
Caught in an endless loop
that can’t be measured,
unstoppable destruction.
restless madness.
I carry lost moments
and regrets.
everyone wishes
they could turn me back…
can’t be controlled.
wait for no man.
I am time.
I am the prisoner.
I am the prison
I am prisoner
I am prison…
I am
free.
Explanations.
I broke up your intro sentences this way to breath a bit of life into them … all & nothing is a bit of a common metaphor & I hope this tweaks it enough
I have reordered stanzas because I think the sadness one is more powerful & kicks off the poem better dramatically & structurally … I have smashed the last four words together cos I think they’re brilliant choices but are diluted by the repeated “I am” intros
Lost moments is weaker & could possibly be beefed up but I have not attempted this (that’s up to you if you choose) but I think it fits better here
As shirl suggested the prison/er could be expanded … I’ve gone a different route, trimming a little & making the images change slightly
I’ve ended on “free” cos I don’t think repeating the first verse as an end coda adds very much
Hope this helps.
Keen to know your feedback on my feedback 🙂
I love it, infact I am going to take each and every tip you give me, firstly i LOVE HOW POWERFUL MY INTRO HAS BECOME. it draws you in. i like it. thank you soooo much