She had her flaws,
She expected him to change
She was stubborn, controlling and demanding..
He had his fair share of flaws,
he expected her to change
Clumsy, pig headed and a hypocrite.
Their marriage failed.
-Janice Raquela Mendonca
24 Poems ~ 24 Hours
She had her flaws,
She expected him to change
She was stubborn, controlling and demanding..
He had his fair share of flaws,
he expected her to change
Clumsy, pig headed and a hypocrite.
Their marriage failed.
-Janice Raquela Mendonca
Not a poor attempt at all.
you are far too kind.
How wonderfully poignant, it speaks of honesty and regret.
THANK YOU.
🙂
It’s a little too obvious: the ideas are good but you don’t trust us.
1. The title. Gives away the sting. Call it “true love” (or something) & it has irony, depth, makes us think.
2. Each verse is too close a copy of the other. Mix the second one up.
He, however, had no flaws
Everything he did was perfect
Clumsy, pig headed, hypocrite
Stills says basically the same thing — just with a different voice (sarcasm, bitterness, regret, snarkiness, whatever) — we read it & know he has its flaws.
3. How long did the marriage last? Tell us. Specifics personalise.
4. The second & third she in v1 can be snipped — the lines don’t need it, & grow more powerful without.
Hope this helps.